Possibilities

It's been awhile and alot has happened!

I attended a networking/speed mentoring event for Canadian Women in Communications in Toronto. I just happened to visit their site and found the event was just days away. I took the train and met a friend in the big city, whom I had worked with in London, and she wanted to attend too!

Armed with my Timmies and my best smile...

I had some time between getting off the train and meeting my friend, so I had created my own business card in PDF format at home... sent it to myself... and stopped in at the closest Kinkos to print a few up to pass around.

The way it worked was, you were seated at a table with at least two "mentors". They were women on the board of CWC, all of whom had reached a lofty tier in their respective mediums. You got 20 min at the table and then had to move to another one.

We were a bit late so didn't have a choice on seat placement. That was okay, there were all sorts of interesting women there from all manner of emerging and tried and true industries.

I felt like it was an out of body experience! I asked questions and created conversation that seemed to come not from me, but from some cosmic force. I'm not kidding! I felt like I was in my element and it was breathtaking! My friend said she thought alot of the attendees thought I WAS a mentor!

The last few moments, I spoke with the head of talent development with the CBC, Eva Czigler. As you may guess, she was swarmed by people, but we shared a few words then she had to go. It was a fabulous feeling to just be courageous and confident enough to put some ideas forward without the regard for what others thought. I have a renewed drive, one I haven't felt in myself in several years!

Met with friends afterward to finish off the day!

I followed up with Ms Czigler with an e-mail, some pointed questions and my resume and headshot. She responded by asking if I wanted to meet her for coffee in Toronto! I couldn't believe it! Of course, it's no promise of anything but it certainly bolsters one's confidence! One who was walked out the door just over two weeks ago!

I have not let a negative thought enter my mind! I bought a new outfit, winter coat and some comfy shoes. I bought another train ticket and found someone to take care of Lola again, so lucky to have my dog-sitter!

Again, the universe has opened up to new possibilities, and I am SO ready!

Wide Open

Sometimes the universe cracks your world open so that better things can rush in. If you resist it, you miss out on the good stuff.

That's why when I was told a week ago my radio talk show was cancelled, I came home and thought about all the time I have now to pursue my dreams and ideas! My regular girls' night girls, I didn't tell till the last minute, so they wouldn't back out. I had a bottle of champagne in the fridge and with all the enthusiasm of a little kid, I toasted the start of the next big adventure with two of the wonderful women I adore!

What has happened since has been nothing short of a miracle. I know this is the height of mystical events, because at every turn, there seems to crop up an eerie "order" if you will, filled with cosmic coincidences!

The e-mails flooded in, phone calls, kind words from strangers I had never met!

Colleagues checking in to make sure I was okay.

My attitude has been upbeat! I was offered some freelance writing! I am going to a networking event in Toronto! I have some ideas I think I may be able to move forward... I had signed up before this happened for a conversational French course and I am loving it! Everything is falling into place and that job had to end for that to happen. I believe that with every ounce of my being!

I am portable! Lola can go anywhere with me! If I had still been in my former relationship, his stress alone would have killed my spirit. It damn near!

Onward and upward!

I am pregnant with promise! Yes, WITH PROMISE!

Irony

I saw something I found particularly amusing this week. It's not really funny if you think about it but visually, it rocked! I've had several discussions with people about whether or not e-bikes are allowed to be travelling in cycling lanes in the city. They are, because technically they are equipped with pedals and they are battery operated. So I've been conscious of their presence.

On the way home from work on Ridout I saw a guy in the cycle lane driving an e-bike with a giant cigarette hanging out of his mouth! I laughed out loud to myself and wondered if he saw the irony or anyone else did. This guy was doing his part for the environment, wearing a helmet to protect his brain, but smoking a fag, apparently throwing caution to the wind when it came to his lungs!

Hey, I'm not saying there isn't irony in my everyday activities too but it just struck me as humourous. Like that old joke that you'll take a hot fudge sundae but with a DIET coke!

I had some frank discussions with friends this week about the state of my mental health and the "vices" I can't seem to get away from. I like wine. Like Will Farrell's Ron Burgundy in Anchorman loves his scotch, I love red wine. http://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=8jsUAo6wFGk It's killing me. It's killing me because I have it likely once a week or more but sometimes when I drink it I feel like smoking again. Yep, irony. Ironic that I have been working so hard at ironing out my digestive issues, finally finding a supplement combination that balances my energy level, and I sabotage it with my old friend, Vino, and her rotten friend Party Smoke. Seems they go hand in hand!

So at the sake of having them turn their backs on me, Vino and Party Smoke will have to carry on without me. Because I have a scary feeling that they will outlive me if I don't ditch them SOON!

Filling the time with riding my bike or hiking with Lola should be easy enough. It just has to become a habit. One that's MUCH better for me than those two home wreckers!

Now I AM hosting a get together in a few weeks, let's see how I make out day by day!

Let's see how this week goes and go from there! Stay tuned!

Laugh

I was the class clown. Those that didn't know me when I was younger may not even have a clue that was the case, as I have become nose-down serious in my job. I got kicked out of class more than once for "disrupting the other students" and that was AFTER high school!

I was always that person that could make you laugh in the midst of the most gut-searing crisis. I told myself it was a gift and that people appreciated it. But as I experienced more of life, I realized that friends needed more than just a laugh when faced with some of life's most challenging events.

I made it a point of easing up on the sarcasm and being "nicer" and more accepting. I was brought up with that hilarious yet cutting sarcastic wit that can cause a roar from the crowd but also lasting emotional scars both to the people receiving the quips but also those dishing them out. No one wants people to be afraid NOT to be your friend. I believe, in a small way, that may have been the case for me when I was younger.

It was my way of not allowing people to 1) Know anything about my own personal life 2) I could reject them before they could reject me and 3) Not allowing anyone closer than an "arm's length"

I wanted to change that. I wanted people to know the compassionate, loving and caring friend I truly was inside. So I began to listen, REALLY listen to others. I wanted to be a student of life, not that I didn't have enough "education" on my own, but it couldn't be just me that felt the occasional day of self-loathing.

So it became my plight. I was the confidante, the bent ear, the bartender at every life event. I was still witty but quietly and without the need to be the centre of attention at every turn. But I started to get weary. It was alot of weight. I couldn't measure for myself how much of someone else's pain I could take and hear, so I took it all on. I know I'm not the only person who suffered from this at one time or another. I didn't know when enough was enough.

Now, enough is enough. It's not that I don't care about other people and their "issues", it's that I don't want to feel guilty for not being able to take them on, all the time. Faced with the devastation of yet another of life's painful lessons, I decided I just could not be there for other people, at that point, I needed to take care of myself.

And somewhere in the "in between" and maybe most jarringly after my marriage split, I realized I forgot to laugh! I didn't feel confident enough to be "funny". I remember rolling in the hallways at high school laughing so hard my stomach hurt and not caring a LICK who saw me do it! I remember belly laughs that came from one instance but the reminiscence of the joke lasting YEARS afterward. I am still fortunate enough to have friends I had from high school and they still laugh at my jokes because I'm finally making them again! They made me feel "safe" enough to try.

Sometimes the concentration you put into getting yourself on the right path, takes away the freedom you have to live and LAUGH!

Through tears of joy, I can tell you I finally can laugh! Not just at my jokes, but at myself!

It's been a long time! Imagine the calorie burn I've been missing!

Crossing Over

I just got home from seeing Eat Pray Love at the theatre. I'd read the book and was hoping I wouldn't be disappointed in the movie version of a book I truly loved reading this year. I wasn't! It was funnier even than the book and a bit more dramatic for Hollywood I suspect, but I found it truly inspiring! Loved the soundtrack too!

I shed a few tears during the movie, as it's about a woman's struggle to find serenity... and sanity... after her divorce... sound familiar? But I have been thinking over the past few days that I have never felt better  mentally in my adult life! I feel content with myself, my weight, my personality, my career, overall my self worth. I love me like I have never loved me!

And surprisingly, or maybe that's just how the universe works, I've been trying a new regimen of supplements and they seem to be working both with my energy level, and my digestion! Thank the LORD!

I don't feel any pressure to do or be anything but myself, right now, in this moment. Sure, I still have the odd setback and pangs of anxiety, thinking about running into my ex or his family someday, which frankly, is inevitable, but overall, I know I will not die from the pain of trying and failing at anything.

"The passion is in the journey"

And I'm not afraid to admit proudly that I am a hopeless romantic that will always believe in love, no matter how much or how many times I get hurt. Love is worth the growth spurt! I just hadn't realized I could feel joy and contentment out of the gut-wrenching pain I thought might kill me almost a year ago.

I am ready to find the next exciting adventure! I'm a bit scared but isn't anything that's worth doing?

Stay tuned!

Fitness and the Double Decker

Enough now. I have enjoyed my summer thus far! Friends, food and drink! But it's taken its toll on my middle! I cut myself some slack and now it's time to reign myself back in a bit! So... in four weeks I am throwing a party and until then - healthy food choices, exercise, and NO BOOZE! Yes, you heard it! The last official month of summer and NO BOOZE! I know that alcohol puts the weight on, at least for me, and frankly, I miss exercising!

Mentally I am feeling fabulous. I think it's time to take care of my body now, while still feeding my soul and mind! I guess I got that switched around but you get what I'm sayin'! Body, mind and soul!

I was watching the W Network and a show called Eat Yourself Thin. Four British girls, lookers, who transform decadent, high calorie/fat meals into something lighter! The premise is one woman who wants to drop a dress size and what her particular "weaknesses" are as far as food goes. The Brit girls show you how to use slightly different ingredients so you get the taste without the fat and caloric overload!  Very creative and I now want their cookbook!

In feeding my mind this weekend, I decided to ask for a Double Decker bus tour of London!

I went with my friends who have three young kids and it was really fun! It took us to Storybook Gardens (entry included in bus tour price) so we got to see the statue of Slippery and some other water-loving beasts! Not sure how I feel about the live guys being there but they were really cute!

I was surprised about the things I didn't know about the city I live in! Thanks guys!

There's also a cool photo contest for kids going on right now! You can find out more about the Double Decker tours, the contest and lots more London activities at the Tourism London website here: http://www.londontourism.ca/


I still have the digestive issues and am going back to the doc on Tuesday. Hopefully he'll give me the skinny on healthy lifestyle changes and how they may help my digestive track!

Lessons

Vacation is necessary and should be mandatory! I can't believe how much better I felt even the first day of sleeping in and not going in to work! And how much more productive I feel back behind the mic!

For the first part of the week, I lounged at my friend's cottage, just myself and Lola the Wonderdog. Then, midweek, I arranged to take the Via train to visit a new friend in Montreal.

The start was so relaxing and the latter part was magical!

Imagine conversing through e-mail about work, etc. (my Montreal friend and I both work for the same company) and never meeting in person. Sounds like on-line dating! Well my friend invited me to come and stay with she and her family. Her husband had never even heard about me! I could have been a psycho freak for all he knew! It worked out perfectly. I felt more like myself than I have in many years.

My friend took me to so many places and I got to experience so many things! I think one of my favourites was watching an entry in the International Fireworks Display Competition over the water at an amusement park! The country competing when we saw it was Sweden! The fireworks are set to music and the chosen songs were unmatched! Abba, of course, old '80s and 90s dance tunes and a tribute to Michael Jackson! I think it's because I absolutely LOVE fireworks and my friend and I knew all the songs and belted them out at the top of our lungs arm in arm. I haven't done THAT in a long time either!

Another highlight was my new friends invited THEIR friends over for dinner and I got to mix and mingle. They were all fabulous and interesting people. It was a real treat chatting and laughing with them. And the food for phenomenal! Lots of French, which was cool so I could try and catch the conversation. When a lull in the convo cropped up, I piped up and asked if indeed I had caught what they were talking about.

I feel like a phase of my life is finally coming to an end. The growing part is still happening and always will, but I think the grieving and blaming is now over.

I had a dream when I was away that I was at a party with my ex. Don't remember much else except that I woke up realizing it was finally over. My best friend, upon my return from Montreal, told me he had a dream about me and the ex when I was away. Weird I know but that sort of thing happens to us often. Anyhow, he said we were all at a party and I was trying to convince my friend to "be friends" with my ex again. He refused and slammed his fist on the table and said, "no, we're done now," Crazy how there are so many different ways to reach us in the subconscious.

I am still struggling with the digestive issues but am going back to the doc for the 3rd time and hopefully it's the charm. I feel so uncomfortable with the bloating, I find it difficult to exercise... but I am forcing myself!

I have found a new confidence in my work and a renewed gratification that I am working in the media. And I have a self assurance that is growing everyday. I am discovering passions I never knew I had. I have realized that just because I don't make a TON of money doesn't mean I can't buy some "decadence" every once in awhile. I feel like I am finally LIVING instead of existing. I am carving a life that is uniquely my own.

Ironically, Eat, Pray Love opens next weekend and I know after I see the movie, I will find something else I want to accomplish or pursue. The book was inspirational and the movie looks fabulous.

I am all ready making plans with my new friend to meet some of MY friends in Toronto for a shopping trip!

Life is good. Happy is hanging around!