Monday, October 18, 2010


So I have been hunting for a job and a few people, including my mom, directed me to the open casting call for segment hosts on the new Marilyn Denis Show!

A few years back I went to an open call in Toronto at the old City TV building for Much More Music VJs. Obviously I'm not doing that job and never did so you can imagine how it turned out! BUT, there were only about 50 or 60 people there and we got to wait inside, I waited for maybe an hour!

So when I was boarding the Via train in London to head back to TO for another shot at TV, I didn't think the fact that the train got in past the starting time of 10am since the auditions went until 5pm... It just so happened that I saw a woman I used to work with at a radio station in London, in the train station, and she was going to the audition too! We travelled together and it turned out to be quite the day!

So we got to Union Station and figuring the audition process wouldn't last all day, or at least not until the departure time of the return train of 7pm, I went to the tourist booth and asked for directions to some of the museums! Might as well take in some culture right? I had also texted a few friends in Toronto to see if they wanted to get together!

We walked up University and west on Queen to the old building that now houses CTV programs that were once owned by CHUM. To my complete astonishment, the lineup for hopefuls was outside the building, ALL THE WAY AROUND IT!!! When we got our application forms to fill out, my number was 471!!!!

We figured it couldn't possibly take THAT long, surely they were prepared for such an event! We got in line at about 10:45am, and finally got in front of a camera crew at about 5pm!

When we first got in line, another woman got there at around the same time. We all started to fill out the forms and I noticed that her name was Shauna too, spelled the same way! That's pretty rare for my name in my experience, and we mused at the odds of us showing up for the auditions at exactly the same time! CRAZY!

Also, about 30 min into our wait, I realized I had left my cell phone on the train!!! There were several areas of "expertise" you could pitch a segment on. Of course my pitch was going to be on technology, and I didn't even have my cell phone!!! That, I said, will be my first segment, how to get your phone back! Via Rail was fantastic in tracking me down and getting it back to me by the way! Fantastic customer service!!!

We had the absolute best time though! Chatting in line, encouraging one another, talking about our lives! And hey, we even saw Craig from The Bachelorette, having a coffee with a City News reporter! I kept trying to get a closeup of him but hilariously a car or person would step in front of the lens at the most inopportune moments!

What a great experience! I have never in my life waited 6 hours in line for ANYTHING! Not even concert tickets in the 80s!!!

They told us it may be a month before we find out how we did! The memories of just having the courage to try and the great experience I had will last forever though!

Good thoughts!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


How many of us have lost weight, felt really great about it, but never got down to the "goal weight" or the desired "look" we craved? Yep, me too. Why is that? You lose and then you reward yourself right? Because that's part of the cycle and the addiction. Crucify yourself, then you get the reward of eating like a normal person again and getting back ON the couch.

I recently read the book Women Food and God. For some reason, after reading it, I thought, "I'm not going to worry about my weight," because the worry is what is "weighing me down" literally. Or so I convinced myself. Another part of the book is to eat until you are FULL, eat only when you are hungry, and enjoy your food in full view, at a table like a normal civilized person. I just picked up the "eat what you want" part. And while I did feel a great deal freer not worrying about what I put in my mouth, I wasn't looking at the deeper reasons why I overeat in the first place.

Watching The Biggest Loser is inspiring to anyone who has had a weight struggle. In years gone by, I have gotten myself in phenomenal shape on sheer determination and grit alone. No help, no trainer, just mental toughness. Then something overthrows it. I finally figured out what it was after watching this week's episode and actally after watching an Oprah Show about 30-year-old virgins and why they were "hiding themselves" from love.

On a very deep level, I have not felt worthy of wonderful, breathtakingly beautiful, genuine love. I just did not think someone wonderful AND attractive could be attracted to me. And to INSURE that never happened, AND to have a fall back excuse, I kept myself just a little overweight, no matter how much I was able to lose, just a few pounds shy of feeling really fantastic about my body and my appearance. I kept that layer as a barrier between myself and letting someone in - alot came pretty far in - but none right to the skin.

I have been working on believing I deserve to follow my dreams. My dream job, dream travel, even down to material things I'd like to own. But why do I always seem to shirk the real work of relationships?

I cannot turn back the hands of time. I don't want to live in the past. I want to move forward with my life in the most positive way, in every aspect.

I DESERVE everything I can dream up and desire. The job, the man, the home, the life. I deserve to be heard and I deserve to be blissfully happy and fulfilled!

It's been a long time coming to this point!

Friday, October 8, 2010


I have been so caught up in getting my career up and running and chasing after my work dreams that I haven't put much thought into my romantic life!

Until this week.

I'm ready to start "dating". I've never been good at it, I like spending time with a full range of people, but am really baffled most of the time when it come to singledom and the dating world. I always have been.

Between marriages, there was a span of 13 years where I dated, hung out, and entertained the thought of getting serious with a few fantastic guys, but always stopped short. When I met the last one, I thought I would no longer be forced to "mix and mingle" with the "singles". But alas, life has a way of putting the stuff you have to deal with right in your path so you can't ignore it any longer.

I chose someone who had never been able to commit. I kept asking him about his previous long-term relationships but he would always say that it was in the past. I chose someone that felt it necessary to keep close all of his female "friends with benefits", even when we had become serious, just in case. Of course I sensed they were a bit jealous so asked if he had ever been intimate with these "friends" and he flatly denied it. Sadly, it all came out that there were very few female friends he had that he hadn't slept with.

I am who I am. I just do not feel the need to keep men hanging around that I have been intimate with but do not have any deep feelings for, at least not once I date someone "special". This should have been a deal breaker, but wasn't.

I asked him many times, was he sure he wanted to commit, because I did not NEED him, I CHOSE to be with him. If he wanted to carry on with a few women at a time, carry on, but it would be without me. He insisted he was ready.

He had issues with intimacy and sex. Apparently he could not carry on an intimate relationship WITH a healthy sex life. He was afraid. I felt humiliated. I had to beg and it wasn't pleasant. Near the end I was so frustrated, he had gone for help and still never wanted to touch me. I tried to be understanding, but the truth is, I should have sensed the lack of closeness. It was my fault too. I got angry that he couldn't explain to me why he didn't "want" me anymore. I would yell, cry, I was SO hurt. I had put aside my own needs for so long that when he came home from the therapist's and told me we had to split, I was dumbfounded. Absolutely blindsided. Sure, we had had our challenges but we had never gone to see someone together to try and work it out. He said it wouldn't do any good, his mind was made up. It was done.

I have been afraid to date because of the anger I felt. I didn't want to put that onto anyone nor did I want to "rebound" into something that wasn't healthy for me. I needed time to sort it out, sort myself out, feel good about myself again.

I want to set him free and in doing so, set myself free. I no longer want him to "pay" for the pain he caused me, my friends and my family. It's done. Over. A page in the history books. I release him to live his life and for me to live mine.

I don't think I'm ready to be friends with him, likely never will be. It's hard for me to understand how someone could do what he did with no real explanation.

He said he loved me. I think he did in the best way he knew how. But it wasn't REAL love. The kind that grows stronger with every tough obstacle, every family celebration... and tragedy, and every year of good times and bad.

It's still out there. My job is to believe it is possible. To believe someone that can love in that way can love ME, and that I DESERVE that love and everything that comes with it. That I am open to that kind of man, in every way and not afraid.

I am ready.