Monday, May 31, 2010

On My Own

After crunching the numbers and thinking about how much gear I have to purchase including new runners, a bike rack and a wetsuit, it appears I won't be able to pay for a tri training clinic afterall, so it's just up to me!!!

I have eight weeks now until the Muskoka tri and I have looked at several training schedules. I cancelled my gym membership but it doesn't officially close till the start of August, so I can still train indoors if need be and more importantly use their pool!

I have worked out a rough sched of what days I train which discipline and am happy with it. Today I have to get in the pool, which is lucky since a big thunderclapper is on the way.

On another front, I have almost all of my packing done for the move except for linens, clothes and dishes, which I will do most of this week.

I am looking forward to "starting over" but it will be a little tricky fitting in the training as there is a "lull" between when the house closes and when I can get into the new place, hence being organized with a training sched and a bike rack for transporting the bike. If push came to shove I could train indoors of course but would prefer getting the feel of outdoors even if the weather sucks. I am hoping my drive to train will soften the blow of leaving my old life behind, some painful memories, but facing it just the same is part of the process. I am strong enough. And I want to be happy-go-lucky and carefree as I used to be. I can't do that till I move past the crap!

The motivation for me behind doing this and continuing the training, is that some people inevitably will think I can't do it. THAT is the overwhelmingly best motivation for me, to prove people wrong and to show myself I have what it takes.

Swimming today... we'll see how that goes! Then bootcamp tomorrow... YIKES!

Sunday, May 30, 2010


My allergies are insane! A pounding sinus headache plus all the other symptoms. The pharmacist says I have to take an allergy pill AND a pain reliever! My mind is fuzzy at best!

Lola (my dog) and I ran an easy 3k today as we didn't get to it till the middle of the day when it was 30 degrees! I gave her a bath first and didn't dry her fur so she could feel a little cooler.

I am having some serious digestive issues. I can't seem to move anything through my system. After years of trying different digestive aids, I think it's finally taken its toll on my digestive tract. I can only hope with good nutrition and the abundance of exercise will help.

My tri class starts on Monday and I still have to get a bike rack to transport my bicycle. I may just have to ride it! I'm excited but also nervous about it. My legs still hurt from the hill repeats the other night.

Off to the beach today though to visit with friends and catch some rays! Lola loves the water and so do I! Let's hope the drugs help with the allergy symptoms!

Thursday, May 27, 2010


I did it! I signed up for a sprint triathlon on July 24th in Muskoka and paid for my entry fee! I'm too cheap to back out! 750m swim, 20k bike, 5k run.

I met with Jennifer at the Multisport Zone in London and she was great! I have to admit, talking about the gear (there is so much I need to get), about getting into the water(I haven't swam in a year) and transporting my bike around (I don't have a bike rack) was a bit overwhelming and intimidating. All the coaches there are obviously experienced and "pros". Jennifer wanted to fit me for a wetsuit so you can imagine my embarrassment when I had to tell her quietly I couldn't do it today because I was.... well.... "commando".

It's 35 frickin' degrees today!

I left thinking I have to go and sign up for the event right away or I will lose my nerve.

I cried on the way home because I think I was both excited and scared. I also know I am on the road to happy... I have really missed her but I think in some way, some weird twisted thought process, I'm afraid of her. Not sure why yet.

I am still scared to do this but I am signing up for the weekly women's tri clinic plus I will have my weekly 90 min. outdoor bootcamp to keep me motivated and committed. AND as long as the good weather prevails, I'm biking to work! Obviously with a death wish combatting the traffic in the morning!

But isn't anything worth doing a little bit scary? Isn't that what really builds character and confidence?

After dinner I did hill repeats at Gibbons Park in the sweltering heat. It hurt but it made me feel fantastic!

I'm on my way!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Staying still and dealing with sh%t is not pretty, sometimes it's downright ugly!

My brother came to visit for the long weekend and being with family always brings up old patterns and some really raw feelings for all of us.

This time was no different.

But we pushed through the crap!

My family never talked about anything and our parents took no accountability for the stuff they put us through. By not talking about it, it didn't exist. Having my brother visit reminded me of some of the incidents I had forgotten about. Painful ones for both of us. Some of it I missed because he is 8 years younger than me and I had moved out of the house. I have let go of the guilt of not being there to protect him but it's still hard to hear what he endured and the emotional scars it's left him with. And so we are each other's sounding board. Emotions are raw, defenses up. But we soldiered through, because that's the only way to do it. Face it then move past it. Talk honestly about how we feel and why.

We both shed some tears, let out some anger, and are better for it. And of course, much closer. I know it's the right thing to do. And I know that this is also part of any healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. And I know that in my case, it's paramount. Honest communication and not witholding your true deepest thoughts is something that I have not found in a mate. For whatever reason, one couldn't be honest about most things. SO many things. I realize he had issues far before I met him. I was willing to work through mine and his together. He was not.

Health-wise I am excited about meeting a multisport coach tomorrow about the triathlon and my outdoor bootcamp starts next week! I have looked into a yoga studio by my new digs and am considering signing up there! I can't wait to get into a fitness groove again!

I don't want to hide my feelings anymore, nor dull them with anything else. I need to feel the pain and know that I can live through it!

Happy is closer, I can feel her breath on the back of my neck!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Day One

This is meant to be therapeutic for me, a way of documenting my growth on the other side. And a way to make me laugh at myself, like I used to. To "Bring Back Happy", my dear old friend.

I know I am not alone in this.

I have not been able to put into words what has happened in the last 8 months until now, and even now, it will take time.

I felt the walls crumbling in on me for the umpteenth time in my 43 year life and after much deliberation, decided to face the pain this time. It didn't kill me like I thought it would. I didn't bury the feelings in food, booze, sex and any manner of other distractions like before.

I stood there, this time, and felt it.

It sucked. But I am still standing after the dust has pretty much cleared. I expect to get a call from Dr. Phil or Oprah any day now.

I didn't trust my gut. It always tells me to run, and most of the time, I run. Except in romantic relationships. Twice now I should have run but stayed.

See, I figure everyone has "something" they struggle with and that's what relationships are for, to work out those struggles with someone else as a mirror to the "stuff" we're afraid to show and to deal with. Somehow I always seem to know how to "help" everyone else with their "stuff" instinctively. But sadly, after failed marriage number two, the epiphany arose that I keep choosing partners that have no idea how to help themselves let alone another human being. And their "stuff" became the distraction from the work only I could do on myself.

And so it begins.

I think back to the happiest times in my life. The feeling of sheer elation, being so happy just "being". Fortunately, I don't have to go that far back, but if I am honest, they have been mostly when I was single. When I was fully "myself" without a worry of judgement, from the rest of the world, nor a partner.

That's where the starting point is and after much psychobabble discussion on my head, I know that I am a person who gains confidence from accomplishing challenge. The old "feel the fear and do it anyway" mantra. It works for me.

Like many others, I suspect, our parents never knew how to encourage us. I asked my mom a few years back why she never told us how wonderful we were. She said she didn't want us to get "big heads". Mission accomplished.

But there comes a time in your life when you have to stop blaming your parents, being resentful, angry and take stock in who you are. I am the only person I need to impress and while it's wonderful to have adulation from others, it should never be about that. One should feel the sense of "fabulousness" inside. Even alone. Okay that's not a real word but it is to me!

I trained for a half marathon a few years back. A decade ago, I finished an individual sprint triathlon and the same summer did the 40k bike portion of a long length tri. During those training times, I felt the most focused and happy in my adult life. Exercise needs to be a daily part of my life. It's time I stopped ignoring that! It's time I stopped trying to dull whatever it was I couldn't cope with.

It's time for another goal.

The course of events that led to this decision I am unable to ignore for it seems that some sort of mystical kismet brought all of the pieces together.

Not in The Secret kind of way, but cool just the same!

This is the place where I deal with the obstacles, for I know getting out of this comfort zone will be a crap time. But I am willing to face it. I have to or I will never truly live and love.

Come with me if you want, sure could use the company!