Friday, December 31, 2010

Celebrating out with the old and in with the new!

It’s been a helluva year. Glad to see it go. It’s been filled with heartache and despair but also laughter and healing… talking and drinking… speculation and disappointment.

But it’s done now! Finally… on to something new!

I sit and debate how to celebrate the ushering out of one of the worst years I have lived through and the dawn of a year I know will be so fruitful!

I have had some fantastic offers to attend house parties, I have considered going to my favourite watering hole to celebrate with friends, and I still fall back on sitting at home and killing a few bottles of bubbly, knowing my dog won’t be crossing her legs come 2 or 3am… and I’ll still be able to put one foot in front of the other and go for an easy run Jan.1…

It doesn’t take away from the fact that I want to makeout with someone. Yep, makeout. Like high school. I don’t need to have the rest, just the kissing and groping over the clothes. I’m a minimalist.

I don’t want to have to get all dressed up, pretend I’m “game” and makeout with a stranger out of desperation. I’m not desperate. I can pick up. I just don’t want to take them home.

I want to talk. And laugh.

After we makeout of course or AS we makeout!

And I love sex. Absolutely cannot live without it. It’s not the be all and end all… but it IS important J … to me.

There are very few people that I feel I can truly talk to. I have so many wonderful friends and I listen intently and with earnest about their lives, loves and tribulations and am truly intrigued.

But now it’s my time! Time for me to shine, time for me to get what I deserve in every way! I have nothing to prove. Time to throw off the shackles and conquer anything and anyone my heart desires! Life is far too short! I can hear the clock ticking on the back of my neck.

I hear fate whispering in my ear. “Hold nothing back! Drive! Push on! Live!”

Regardless of how I usher in 2011, it will be magical, for me.. and countless others!!!

"Lig dom agus ligfidh mé duit!"

Roughly translated (Gaelic)

"Let me be and I'll let you be".

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

December Update - New Blog!

Thanks to some of you inquiring about what's been going on with me! I have been writing a new blog... you can find it here:

Shauna's new blog

There have been some great opportunities for me work-wise and I will elaborate in the New Year!

I have been taking French as a second language and tonight is my big presentation! We could choose any topic to talk about so I chose to talk about what I have learned in the past year or so! I translated it from English to French so here is the English version:

You’re Never Too Old to Learn and Change

In the past year, I have a new outlook! I didn’t always think this way but I am happy I do now!

Growing up in a Catholic home in a small town in Ontario, I thought that I should go to school, meet a man, get married and have kids. Some of that happened, not in that order, but most of it didn’t.

I thought I had failed.

I was the class clown. I thought making people laugh was the best way to make friends. But when my friends ran into difficulties later in their lives, real problems, jokes were not always the answer.

So I learned.

When I let someone choose me instead of choosing them, I really learned! The hard way!

When I chose someone that I could boss around and it didn’t work out, that was one of the hardest things to admit but I learned even more!

When I became 30, then 40 and it became clear that maybe I would never have children, I learned that that would be okay. I got a dog.

I learned that just because people have a thought about what a happy life should be, that it doesn’t mean your life can’t be happy, even if it’s different.

I have learned that I cannot judge anyone! I want to hear other people’s situations whatever they are. Everyone is the way they are for a reason.

I have learned that my job isn’t who I am. I can do my job in the best way I know how and sometimes that job just isn’t for me. And it takes being away from it to see it.

I have learned that it’s okay to shower an animal with affection. But it’s okay to shower people with affection too, without expecting anything in return.

I have learned that it’s okay to go camping with no one but your dog.

I have learned that I like certain things that are bad for me like wine and cheese! But I have also learned that life can be cut short in a moment so I want to live each day like it’s my last! And if today is my last day, I want everyone to know how much I love them.

I have learned that worrying about my weight or anything really, takes time away from living my life. And I already know that life is way too short! When I look at pictures of myself 10 years from now, I will say how great I looked. So why not think it now!

I have learned that some people are only with you for a short time and so you need to appreciate the time you have with them.

I was scared of a lot of things. I learned that you CAN get over some fears and to be a little afraid to do something can make it worth doing!

As an adult, getting up in front of a class and talking has been a big fear. Today, even just a little bit, I am facing that fear with all of you.

There are many things I have learned and one of them is a little bit of French!

So you ARE never too old to learn and change!

Monday, October 18, 2010


So I have been hunting for a job and a few people, including my mom, directed me to the open casting call for segment hosts on the new Marilyn Denis Show!

A few years back I went to an open call in Toronto at the old City TV building for Much More Music VJs. Obviously I'm not doing that job and never did so you can imagine how it turned out! BUT, there were only about 50 or 60 people there and we got to wait inside, I waited for maybe an hour!

So when I was boarding the Via train in London to head back to TO for another shot at TV, I didn't think the fact that the train got in past the starting time of 10am since the auditions went until 5pm... It just so happened that I saw a woman I used to work with at a radio station in London, in the train station, and she was going to the audition too! We travelled together and it turned out to be quite the day!

So we got to Union Station and figuring the audition process wouldn't last all day, or at least not until the departure time of the return train of 7pm, I went to the tourist booth and asked for directions to some of the museums! Might as well take in some culture right? I had also texted a few friends in Toronto to see if they wanted to get together!

We walked up University and west on Queen to the old building that now houses CTV programs that were once owned by CHUM. To my complete astonishment, the lineup for hopefuls was outside the building, ALL THE WAY AROUND IT!!! When we got our application forms to fill out, my number was 471!!!!

We figured it couldn't possibly take THAT long, surely they were prepared for such an event! We got in line at about 10:45am, and finally got in front of a camera crew at about 5pm!

When we first got in line, another woman got there at around the same time. We all started to fill out the forms and I noticed that her name was Shauna too, spelled the same way! That's pretty rare for my name in my experience, and we mused at the odds of us showing up for the auditions at exactly the same time! CRAZY!

Also, about 30 min into our wait, I realized I had left my cell phone on the train!!! There were several areas of "expertise" you could pitch a segment on. Of course my pitch was going to be on technology, and I didn't even have my cell phone!!! That, I said, will be my first segment, how to get your phone back! Via Rail was fantastic in tracking me down and getting it back to me by the way! Fantastic customer service!!!

We had the absolute best time though! Chatting in line, encouraging one another, talking about our lives! And hey, we even saw Craig from The Bachelorette, having a coffee with a City News reporter! I kept trying to get a closeup of him but hilariously a car or person would step in front of the lens at the most inopportune moments!

What a great experience! I have never in my life waited 6 hours in line for ANYTHING! Not even concert tickets in the 80s!!!

They told us it may be a month before we find out how we did! The memories of just having the courage to try and the great experience I had will last forever though!

Good thoughts!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


How many of us have lost weight, felt really great about it, but never got down to the "goal weight" or the desired "look" we craved? Yep, me too. Why is that? You lose and then you reward yourself right? Because that's part of the cycle and the addiction. Crucify yourself, then you get the reward of eating like a normal person again and getting back ON the couch.

I recently read the book Women Food and God. For some reason, after reading it, I thought, "I'm not going to worry about my weight," because the worry is what is "weighing me down" literally. Or so I convinced myself. Another part of the book is to eat until you are FULL, eat only when you are hungry, and enjoy your food in full view, at a table like a normal civilized person. I just picked up the "eat what you want" part. And while I did feel a great deal freer not worrying about what I put in my mouth, I wasn't looking at the deeper reasons why I overeat in the first place.

Watching The Biggest Loser is inspiring to anyone who has had a weight struggle. In years gone by, I have gotten myself in phenomenal shape on sheer determination and grit alone. No help, no trainer, just mental toughness. Then something overthrows it. I finally figured out what it was after watching this week's episode and actally after watching an Oprah Show about 30-year-old virgins and why they were "hiding themselves" from love.

On a very deep level, I have not felt worthy of wonderful, breathtakingly beautiful, genuine love. I just did not think someone wonderful AND attractive could be attracted to me. And to INSURE that never happened, AND to have a fall back excuse, I kept myself just a little overweight, no matter how much I was able to lose, just a few pounds shy of feeling really fantastic about my body and my appearance. I kept that layer as a barrier between myself and letting someone in - alot came pretty far in - but none right to the skin.

I have been working on believing I deserve to follow my dreams. My dream job, dream travel, even down to material things I'd like to own. But why do I always seem to shirk the real work of relationships?

I cannot turn back the hands of time. I don't want to live in the past. I want to move forward with my life in the most positive way, in every aspect.

I DESERVE everything I can dream up and desire. The job, the man, the home, the life. I deserve to be heard and I deserve to be blissfully happy and fulfilled!

It's been a long time coming to this point!

Friday, October 8, 2010


I have been so caught up in getting my career up and running and chasing after my work dreams that I haven't put much thought into my romantic life!

Until this week.

I'm ready to start "dating". I've never been good at it, I like spending time with a full range of people, but am really baffled most of the time when it come to singledom and the dating world. I always have been.

Between marriages, there was a span of 13 years where I dated, hung out, and entertained the thought of getting serious with a few fantastic guys, but always stopped short. When I met the last one, I thought I would no longer be forced to "mix and mingle" with the "singles". But alas, life has a way of putting the stuff you have to deal with right in your path so you can't ignore it any longer.

I chose someone who had never been able to commit. I kept asking him about his previous long-term relationships but he would always say that it was in the past. I chose someone that felt it necessary to keep close all of his female "friends with benefits", even when we had become serious, just in case. Of course I sensed they were a bit jealous so asked if he had ever been intimate with these "friends" and he flatly denied it. Sadly, it all came out that there were very few female friends he had that he hadn't slept with.

I am who I am. I just do not feel the need to keep men hanging around that I have been intimate with but do not have any deep feelings for, at least not once I date someone "special". This should have been a deal breaker, but wasn't.

I asked him many times, was he sure he wanted to commit, because I did not NEED him, I CHOSE to be with him. If he wanted to carry on with a few women at a time, carry on, but it would be without me. He insisted he was ready.

He had issues with intimacy and sex. Apparently he could not carry on an intimate relationship WITH a healthy sex life. He was afraid. I felt humiliated. I had to beg and it wasn't pleasant. Near the end I was so frustrated, he had gone for help and still never wanted to touch me. I tried to be understanding, but the truth is, I should have sensed the lack of closeness. It was my fault too. I got angry that he couldn't explain to me why he didn't "want" me anymore. I would yell, cry, I was SO hurt. I had put aside my own needs for so long that when he came home from the therapist's and told me we had to split, I was dumbfounded. Absolutely blindsided. Sure, we had had our challenges but we had never gone to see someone together to try and work it out. He said it wouldn't do any good, his mind was made up. It was done.

I have been afraid to date because of the anger I felt. I didn't want to put that onto anyone nor did I want to "rebound" into something that wasn't healthy for me. I needed time to sort it out, sort myself out, feel good about myself again.

I want to set him free and in doing so, set myself free. I no longer want him to "pay" for the pain he caused me, my friends and my family. It's done. Over. A page in the history books. I release him to live his life and for me to live mine.

I don't think I'm ready to be friends with him, likely never will be. It's hard for me to understand how someone could do what he did with no real explanation.

He said he loved me. I think he did in the best way he knew how. But it wasn't REAL love. The kind that grows stronger with every tough obstacle, every family celebration... and tragedy, and every year of good times and bad.

It's still out there. My job is to believe it is possible. To believe someone that can love in that way can love ME, and that I DESERVE that love and everything that comes with it. That I am open to that kind of man, in every way and not afraid.

I am ready.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


It's been awhile and alot has happened!

I attended a networking/speed mentoring event for Canadian Women in Communications in Toronto. I just happened to visit their site and found the event was just days away. I took the train and met a friend in the big city, whom I had worked with in London, and she wanted to attend too!

Armed with my Timmies and my best smile...

I had some time between getting off the train and meeting my friend, so I had created my own business card in PDF format at home... sent it to myself... and stopped in at the closest Kinkos to print a few up to pass around.

The way it worked was, you were seated at a table with at least two "mentors". They were women on the board of CWC, all of whom had reached a lofty tier in their respective mediums. You got 20 min at the table and then had to move to another one.

We were a bit late so didn't have a choice on seat placement. That was okay, there were all sorts of interesting women there from all manner of emerging and tried and true industries.

I felt like it was an out of body experience! I asked questions and created conversation that seemed to come not from me, but from some cosmic force. I'm not kidding! I felt like I was in my element and it was breathtaking! My friend said she thought alot of the attendees thought I WAS a mentor!

The last few moments, I spoke with the head of talent development with the CBC, Eva Czigler. As you may guess, she was swarmed by people, but we shared a few words then she had to go. It was a fabulous feeling to just be courageous and confident enough to put some ideas forward without the regard for what others thought. I have a renewed drive, one I haven't felt in myself in several years!

Met with friends afterward to finish off the day!

I followed up with Ms Czigler with an e-mail, some pointed questions and my resume and headshot. She responded by asking if I wanted to meet her for coffee in Toronto! I couldn't believe it! Of course, it's no promise of anything but it certainly bolsters one's confidence! One who was walked out the door just over two weeks ago!

I have not let a negative thought enter my mind! I bought a new outfit, winter coat and some comfy shoes. I bought another train ticket and found someone to take care of Lola again, so lucky to have my dog-sitter!

Again, the universe has opened up to new possibilities, and I am SO ready!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Wide Open

Sometimes the universe cracks your world open so that better things can rush in. If you resist it, you miss out on the good stuff.

That's why when I was told a week ago my radio talk show was cancelled, I came home and thought about all the time I have now to pursue my dreams and ideas! My regular girls' night girls, I didn't tell till the last minute, so they wouldn't back out. I had a bottle of champagne in the fridge and with all the enthusiasm of a little kid, I toasted the start of the next big adventure with two of the wonderful women I adore!

What has happened since has been nothing short of a miracle. I know this is the height of mystical events, because at every turn, there seems to crop up an eerie "order" if you will, filled with cosmic coincidences!

The e-mails flooded in, phone calls, kind words from strangers I had never met!

Colleagues checking in to make sure I was okay.

My attitude has been upbeat! I was offered some freelance writing! I am going to a networking event in Toronto! I have some ideas I think I may be able to move forward... I had signed up before this happened for a conversational French course and I am loving it! Everything is falling into place and that job had to end for that to happen. I believe that with every ounce of my being!

I am portable! Lola can go anywhere with me! If I had still been in my former relationship, his stress alone would have killed my spirit. It damn near!

Onward and upward!

I am pregnant with promise! Yes, WITH PROMISE!

Sunday, August 29, 2010


I saw something I found particularly amusing this week. It's not really funny if you think about it but visually, it rocked! I've had several discussions with people about whether or not e-bikes are allowed to be travelling in cycling lanes in the city. They are, because technically they are equipped with pedals and they are battery operated. So I've been conscious of their presence.

On the way home from work on Ridout I saw a guy in the cycle lane driving an e-bike with a giant cigarette hanging out of his mouth! I laughed out loud to myself and wondered if he saw the irony or anyone else did. This guy was doing his part for the environment, wearing a helmet to protect his brain, but smoking a fag, apparently throwing caution to the wind when it came to his lungs!

Hey, I'm not saying there isn't irony in my everyday activities too but it just struck me as humourous. Like that old joke that you'll take a hot fudge sundae but with a DIET coke!

I had some frank discussions with friends this week about the state of my mental health and the "vices" I can't seem to get away from. I like wine. Like Will Farrell's Ron Burgundy in Anchorman loves his scotch, I love red wine. It's killing me. It's killing me because I have it likely once a week or more but sometimes when I drink it I feel like smoking again. Yep, irony. Ironic that I have been working so hard at ironing out my digestive issues, finally finding a supplement combination that balances my energy level, and I sabotage it with my old friend, Vino, and her rotten friend Party Smoke. Seems they go hand in hand!

So at the sake of having them turn their backs on me, Vino and Party Smoke will have to carry on without me. Because I have a scary feeling that they will outlive me if I don't ditch them SOON!

Filling the time with riding my bike or hiking with Lola should be easy enough. It just has to become a habit. One that's MUCH better for me than those two home wreckers!

Now I AM hosting a get together in a few weeks, let's see how I make out day by day!

Let's see how this week goes and go from there! Stay tuned!

Sunday, August 22, 2010


I was the class clown. Those that didn't know me when I was younger may not even have a clue that was the case, as I have become nose-down serious in my job. I got kicked out of class more than once for "disrupting the other students" and that was AFTER high school!

I was always that person that could make you laugh in the midst of the most gut-searing crisis. I told myself it was a gift and that people appreciated it. But as I experienced more of life, I realized that friends needed more than just a laugh when faced with some of life's most challenging events.

I made it a point of easing up on the sarcasm and being "nicer" and more accepting. I was brought up with that hilarious yet cutting sarcastic wit that can cause a roar from the crowd but also lasting emotional scars both to the people receiving the quips but also those dishing them out. No one wants people to be afraid NOT to be your friend. I believe, in a small way, that may have been the case for me when I was younger.

It was my way of not allowing people to 1) Know anything about my own personal life 2) I could reject them before they could reject me and 3) Not allowing anyone closer than an "arm's length"

I wanted to change that. I wanted people to know the compassionate, loving and caring friend I truly was inside. So I began to listen, REALLY listen to others. I wanted to be a student of life, not that I didn't have enough "education" on my own, but it couldn't be just me that felt the occasional day of self-loathing.

So it became my plight. I was the confidante, the bent ear, the bartender at every life event. I was still witty but quietly and without the need to be the centre of attention at every turn. But I started to get weary. It was alot of weight. I couldn't measure for myself how much of someone else's pain I could take and hear, so I took it all on. I know I'm not the only person who suffered from this at one time or another. I didn't know when enough was enough.

Now, enough is enough. It's not that I don't care about other people and their "issues", it's that I don't want to feel guilty for not being able to take them on, all the time. Faced with the devastation of yet another of life's painful lessons, I decided I just could not be there for other people, at that point, I needed to take care of myself.

And somewhere in the "in between" and maybe most jarringly after my marriage split, I realized I forgot to laugh! I didn't feel confident enough to be "funny". I remember rolling in the hallways at high school laughing so hard my stomach hurt and not caring a LICK who saw me do it! I remember belly laughs that came from one instance but the reminiscence of the joke lasting YEARS afterward. I am still fortunate enough to have friends I had from high school and they still laugh at my jokes because I'm finally making them again! They made me feel "safe" enough to try.

Sometimes the concentration you put into getting yourself on the right path, takes away the freedom you have to live and LAUGH!

Through tears of joy, I can tell you I finally can laugh! Not just at my jokes, but at myself!

It's been a long time! Imagine the calorie burn I've been missing!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Crossing Over

I just got home from seeing Eat Pray Love at the theatre. I'd read the book and was hoping I wouldn't be disappointed in the movie version of a book I truly loved reading this year. I wasn't! It was funnier even than the book and a bit more dramatic for Hollywood I suspect, but I found it truly inspiring! Loved the soundtrack too!

I shed a few tears during the movie, as it's about a woman's struggle to find serenity... and sanity... after her divorce... sound familiar? But I have been thinking over the past few days that I have never felt better  mentally in my adult life! I feel content with myself, my weight, my personality, my career, overall my self worth. I love me like I have never loved me!

And surprisingly, or maybe that's just how the universe works, I've been trying a new regimen of supplements and they seem to be working both with my energy level, and my digestion! Thank the LORD!

I don't feel any pressure to do or be anything but myself, right now, in this moment. Sure, I still have the odd setback and pangs of anxiety, thinking about running into my ex or his family someday, which frankly, is inevitable, but overall, I know I will not die from the pain of trying and failing at anything.

"The passion is in the journey"

And I'm not afraid to admit proudly that I am a hopeless romantic that will always believe in love, no matter how much or how many times I get hurt. Love is worth the growth spurt! I just hadn't realized I could feel joy and contentment out of the gut-wrenching pain I thought might kill me almost a year ago.

I am ready to find the next exciting adventure! I'm a bit scared but isn't anything that's worth doing?

Stay tuned!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Fitness and the Double Decker

Enough now. I have enjoyed my summer thus far! Friends, food and drink! But it's taken its toll on my middle! I cut myself some slack and now it's time to reign myself back in a bit! So... in four weeks I am throwing a party and until then - healthy food choices, exercise, and NO BOOZE! Yes, you heard it! The last official month of summer and NO BOOZE! I know that alcohol puts the weight on, at least for me, and frankly, I miss exercising!

Mentally I am feeling fabulous. I think it's time to take care of my body now, while still feeding my soul and mind! I guess I got that switched around but you get what I'm sayin'! Body, mind and soul!

I was watching the W Network and a show called Eat Yourself Thin. Four British girls, lookers, who transform decadent, high calorie/fat meals into something lighter! The premise is one woman who wants to drop a dress size and what her particular "weaknesses" are as far as food goes. The Brit girls show you how to use slightly different ingredients so you get the taste without the fat and caloric overload!  Very creative and I now want their cookbook!

In feeding my mind this weekend, I decided to ask for a Double Decker bus tour of London!

I went with my friends who have three young kids and it was really fun! It took us to Storybook Gardens (entry included in bus tour price) so we got to see the statue of Slippery and some other water-loving beasts! Not sure how I feel about the live guys being there but they were really cute!

I was surprised about the things I didn't know about the city I live in! Thanks guys!

There's also a cool photo contest for kids going on right now! You can find out more about the Double Decker tours, the contest and lots more London activities at the Tourism London website here:

I still have the digestive issues and am going back to the doc on Tuesday. Hopefully he'll give me the skinny on healthy lifestyle changes and how they may help my digestive track!

Thursday, August 5, 2010


Vacation is necessary and should be mandatory! I can't believe how much better I felt even the first day of sleeping in and not going in to work! And how much more productive I feel back behind the mic!

For the first part of the week, I lounged at my friend's cottage, just myself and Lola the Wonderdog. Then, midweek, I arranged to take the Via train to visit a new friend in Montreal.

The start was so relaxing and the latter part was magical!

Imagine conversing through e-mail about work, etc. (my Montreal friend and I both work for the same company) and never meeting in person. Sounds like on-line dating! Well my friend invited me to come and stay with she and her family. Her husband had never even heard about me! I could have been a psycho freak for all he knew! It worked out perfectly. I felt more like myself than I have in many years.

My friend took me to so many places and I got to experience so many things! I think one of my favourites was watching an entry in the International Fireworks Display Competition over the water at an amusement park! The country competing when we saw it was Sweden! The fireworks are set to music and the chosen songs were unmatched! Abba, of course, old '80s and 90s dance tunes and a tribute to Michael Jackson! I think it's because I absolutely LOVE fireworks and my friend and I knew all the songs and belted them out at the top of our lungs arm in arm. I haven't done THAT in a long time either!

Another highlight was my new friends invited THEIR friends over for dinner and I got to mix and mingle. They were all fabulous and interesting people. It was a real treat chatting and laughing with them. And the food for phenomenal! Lots of French, which was cool so I could try and catch the conversation. When a lull in the convo cropped up, I piped up and asked if indeed I had caught what they were talking about.

I feel like a phase of my life is finally coming to an end. The growing part is still happening and always will, but I think the grieving and blaming is now over.

I had a dream when I was away that I was at a party with my ex. Don't remember much else except that I woke up realizing it was finally over. My best friend, upon my return from Montreal, told me he had a dream about me and the ex when I was away. Weird I know but that sort of thing happens to us often. Anyhow, he said we were all at a party and I was trying to convince my friend to "be friends" with my ex again. He refused and slammed his fist on the table and said, "no, we're done now," Crazy how there are so many different ways to reach us in the subconscious.

I am still struggling with the digestive issues but am going back to the doc for the 3rd time and hopefully it's the charm. I feel so uncomfortable with the bloating, I find it difficult to exercise... but I am forcing myself!

I have found a new confidence in my work and a renewed gratification that I am working in the media. And I have a self assurance that is growing everyday. I am discovering passions I never knew I had. I have realized that just because I don't make a TON of money doesn't mean I can't buy some "decadence" every once in awhile. I feel like I am finally LIVING instead of existing. I am carving a life that is uniquely my own.

Ironically, Eat, Pray Love opens next weekend and I know after I see the movie, I will find something else I want to accomplish or pursue. The book was inspirational and the movie looks fabulous.

I am all ready making plans with my new friend to meet some of MY friends in Toronto for a shopping trip!

Life is good. Happy is hanging around!

Saturday, July 24, 2010


One week of relaxation and bonding with friends! What's better than THAT! I got an awesome surprise running into a friend and her pooch as we both were doing a Saturday ritual of driving thru Timmies with our dogs and getting some caffeine! It turned into a fabulous visit! I needed my "Erin and Rob" fix and what a great way to start holidays!

I am so looking forward to unwinding, reading, getting some sun, and visiting a new friend! The key word however, is RELAX! It's going to be so hard not to read the paper everyday and look on everything as a "topic"!

I had a grade 10 math teacher, Mr. Douglas, and in his class he had a sign right over the clock, presumably to alert you to the time you were wasting looking at it. It read, "Time passes. Will you?" I never forgot it! I think of it now and know that with the passage of time, things are getting better and that I'm in the place that I'm supposed to be!

I have never felt so confident in myself as I do today and actually in the choices I am making and will make in my friendships and one day in a potential partner in the future. I realize what I zoned out on. I am aware of what I do not need and what drains my energy. I hope that instinct becomes second nature and my nagging desire to see what a person COULD be rather than the person they show up as now, subsides. All of that without losing my compassion and understanding of the foibles of others because, Lord knows, I have enough faults myself!

Tall order, but it is coming... slowly but surely.

My lack of confidence in the person I am, the character and integrity, the strong person I am, the beautiful person I am, inside and out, has sabotaged me. I know that now. I need only embrace myself, just as I am, to find true happiness. It seems so simple, why is it that so many of us find it so elusive?

Not anymore. There is so much serenity in realizing you don't have to be anyone else other who you are, right now. Sure, we can all strive to be better but until you live in the moment and see yourself as the perfect snowflake that you are, can you truly be satisfied by any accomplishments you reach. Until then, nothing will ever be enough. You will always loathe what you see in the mirror.

So on this vacation, I can't wait to laugh, sleep, discover, read, and develop my friendships... make new memories!

Happiness is so close I can taste it!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Ice Cream

Damn ice cream for tasting so good! I remember as a kid my dad would bring home a 2L brick of neopolitan ice cream, open the whole box up and slice the thing into four pieces, one for himself, mom, my brother and me. That was the beginning of a life long love affair, a love/hate relationship.

I watched an interview with a woman I had heard is performing at a local concert. In it, she describes her 90-something neighbour that she would frequently visit. She asked the wise woman what advice she could offer and she shrugged her shoulders with a twinkle in her eye and said, "Just have fun!"

I don't think anyone who is told they have a short time to live, and is looking over their life, wishes they would have spent more time working, worrying about money or what they looked like. Nor what they ATE!

Ice cream makes me happy. I'm done worrying about it.

My best friend and I did something I always loved as a kid and haven't done in way too long. We flew a kite! It was perfect weather on the beach, strong wind coming off the water, and we stood on a cliff with a little patch of grass to run along. Stuff like that shouldn't be reserved for the young. You need only be young at heart! My heart was singing and you couldn't wipe the smile off my face!

Why DON'T people allow themselves to have more fun? Who decided not to or that age was supposed to put some sort of limit on how much fun you could have?

Eating ice cream is fun! Flying kites is fun! I can't wait to do more fun stuff!

Everyday, something fun!

Now THAT'S a cool goal! If only we could all keep that one up!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


I love the country I live in. I love the city of London and I love the little village where I now live! What could be better? People are friendly, creative and quirky and their homes reflect that. There is always something going on and it warms my heart!

I have had to explain my marital situation to a few people lately and it seems easier and I say less. It's just a little simpler. Plus, I don't feel the need to vent as much anymore. It's finally fading!

I wonder if people realize that just because others look confident on the outside does not mean they are any more or less self-assured than they themselves are. We all seem to worry that "everyone else" has it together but it's simply a lie your mind creates. If only we could still that incessant voice, the world would be a much happier place. I think meditation helps. If you can clear you mind, there's no chance that dirty rotten voice can screw with your self image and sabbotage your happiness.

People need to share more. Just talking and helping others realize we are all the same really. My new neighbour said he was going to let me in on a secret. That it's his birthday on the weekend. I read a little more into it. I will get him a card and maybe a small gift. No one should have to think no one cares for them. A simple token means so much. If only we weren't so afraid of people that are okay being alone. It seems freakish and foreign, but it takes true courage and the enjoyment of your own company to be alone. But sometimes being alone you forget how great it is to have company. I will knock on my neighbour's door for his birthday. He might like the company. Me too.

Saturday, July 10, 2010


I am ill. Not anything you can see visibly and yes, some could argue maybe I AM a little sick in the head but this is physical. My aunt nearly died of Crohn's disease and colon cancer runs in the family. My doc is checking into a number of things but I'm a little spooked. It could be stress but it should have subsided by now. My stomach is distended and I am deathly afraid because nothing is "moving". I feel like I look like this:

I went for a haircut last week and my hairstylist, who is also my best friend, had to suggest styling my hair differently because I have lost so much of it. My once thick wavy hair is now stringy and down to a number of strands. We're doing it straight this summer and lots of ponytails! I guess I never realized the toll this has taken on my body.

That's why I made the decision to duck out of the triathlon. I think I would get injured if I attempted it now. I cancelled my room in Muskoka.

I've also thought alot about what makes me who I am. It's not what I do for a living nor what I do to impress people. I wanted to make a triathlon a goal so I would make training part of my lifestyle. I didn't realize I needed to embrace that lifestyle maybe BEFORE I made the goal. I haven't given myself and my body much time to heal. That should have come first.

Mentally I feel better than I have in many years. The chaos is gone and peace remains.I LOVE it!1 Lola loves that we have a routine and we walk three times a day. I love that I can go for one of those walks with her in the evening and we stumble upon an outdoor concert on the grass near the house. It really doesn't get much better than that! And I'm getting my "funny" back! Man, I thought she would never emerge!

I've also been thinking about the people that I know struggling with cancer. When I think about my patchy scalp I remind myself that I could have lost it during chemo or radiation and I thank God for my health. I get one life and I best be taking care of myself if I want to have some more shits and giggles! No pun intended with the "shits" reference... that alludes me and that's the health struggle at the minute.

So am I disappointed in myself for not completing a triathlon this summer? Not one bit. When I come to the end, I hope people whisper some funny stories about me and how I embraced people for who they are, just as they are, as I hope others do with me.

I am not what I do nor what I have but whom I affect.

That's my new goal.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


I have been thinking about expectations. Expectations I put on myself and expectations I project onto others. Like most people I put high expectations on myself, but never seem to cut myself some slack... EVER! It's almost as if I put almost unmanageable obstacles in front of me too. Self sabotage.

And other people. I expect them to be like me. But not everyone is and it turns out that's a really good thing. Because of past hurt, I have narrowed down the "requirements" to be my friend to such a short list, I'm not allowing myself to get to know some really great people.

I've been worried about others judging me for now being married twice. I listen to conversations people have and if they refer to someone "on their THIRD marriage", it's almost always with contempt in their voice. But I find myself viewing others with contempt too. I used to be of the vein that I could never judge someone unless I walked a mile in their shoes. As life meandered on, it dawned on me that everything I had judged anyone for, had indeed landed in my lap. I think God must be tapping His foot and wondering, "When the heck are you going to stop the judgement?! Are we DONE now?"

I have expected anyone I've trusted, even as a friend, to betray me eventually. And those I have chosen to trust, were not trustworthy. Most showed me that though, early on but I chose to ignore it. It's awful sometimes to have hindsight, it really doesn't need glasses at all. RATS!

It was a year since our backyard reception on Canada Day weekend. It came and went and I enjoyed the company of friends both new and old.

My training is flailing but I have not given up! I have visited the doc for some physical health issues and I'm back on track! Turns out I may be gluten intolerant but the doc has to verify.

It is so hot outside I am more paranoid about The Wonderdog overheating than getting heat stroke myself.

It's JULY allready!

I got teary-eyed today taking Lola for her third walk. As I walked by a man sitting on his front stoop, strumming a little mandolin, I thought, I am finally home.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Silence is Deafening

It's an expression I have often loved. Your silence is deafening, meaning why aren't you saying anything? But for me, silence is hard. It means I'm alone with my deepest feelings and thoughts. It means I don't have something else to distract me from me. It's scary. Or at least it used to be.

I've been reading alot lately. I finally finished Eat Pray Love by Liz Gilbert. I'd been reading it and trying to finish it since January and figured I better tackle it before the Julia Roberts movie comes out! It's been inspiring. The ex and I attended a meditation class awhile back. We befriended a fabulous monk that I still enjoy keeping in touch with. He has, and continues to, teach me alot, not just about meditation but life in general. I've started to meditate again. It's amazing the serenity you can find in being still. It's astonishing to me that healing can happen when you do absolutely nothing at all. I'm also about halfway through Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. It's been extremely helpful too and guess what? She suggests meditating too! I think it was Oprah that said all the great minds meditate. I don't know about great minds but I do know that it's a peacefulness that I can't get by trying to figure everything out on my own.

There have been times in my life when I thought sadness would overtake me, so I pushed it away and pushed on. There have been times that I have been so angry at someone for not loving me like they promised to, that I shoved it down inside. I am feeling those feelings now and it's not as excruciating as I thought, not even close, and boy, am I human! And I finally think that's okay. Turns out those feelings are feelings from days gone by and current events only trigger those bad memories from the past. Thus, the feelings are not actually happening "now" but were never validated feelings that keep coming up. If I had had someone to acknowledge those feelings then, I likely wouldn't be so tormented. But I have the opportunity now, in meditation, to call all of those unresolved, unvalidated feelings to the surface and feel them... then let them go... If someone would have told me it was that simple I would have laughed them off.

And so I meditate, out at the lake, in silence, with Lola the wonderdog by my side.

Lola is meditating too. She looks happy!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Sex and the Single Girl

A bit hectic getting up at 5am (who knew you could pick up a Cleveland radio station from here?) and driving in to work but got there early and intact! Stressed out though that I couldn't stay for news conference.. had to rush back for Lola's pee break... I just can't do it right now.. I can only do what I can do!

My pal and his partner, the ones letting me stay at their vacation paradise, showed up for dinner! Nice to be able to do something menial like cooking them dinner, as just one thank you for all they've done!

We were joking about "rough sex" and that I like"variety" in small doses... One suggested maybe that's why me and the soon-to-be-ex went south... that maybe I should have let him know how adventurous I enjoy being. I explained that I did. I was always open... always could talk about it... We didn't have true intimacy... I should have known... My shoulders are starting to buckle from the weight of taking all the blame...
It's time to stop now...
Ah, sex.... so delicious yet so complicated...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day and Being Transient

The move is over. Lola and I are officially out of the matrimonial home. I felt sad when I dropped her off at the kennel the night before, because she would never be back to the only home she ever knew. But it was for the best. I picked her up after all was moved into storage and we drove out to the cottage. Friends are letting us stay out here until our apartment is ready. The only time I cried was driving back to the house alone after dropping the dog off. A good bawl and then I felt like facing the future!

It was odd the way it all went down. Soon-to-be-ex and I never saw one another. We haven't seen each other, save a few seconds, in what seems like months. I don't want to see him, no desire, no basis for any semblance of a friendship. I just can't. It's not in me. I've let up on myself for not being "nice". What he did wasn't nice either. It's a process.

I called my dad for Father's Day today and it sounds like he's having a rough time as usual. It never seems to get easy for Dad, always a struggle. It has occurred to me recently that with both my parents, who were 19 and 21 when they married, that I was always the "adult" in the relationship and they were the "children"... at least for most of my adult life. That would explain some of the choices I have made in mates, people that needed to be "looked after"... I'm still mulling all of that over... Regardless, he was happy to hear from me and it was good to talk to him.

Exercise this week has been sporadic at best. I have roughly 5 weeks to ratchet up the workouts. Running out here will be the easiest to do. Biking will too if I can get a rack and get my bike out here somehow! My membership at the gym is still good till August so I can swim before I drive back out here... but I can't leave Lola too long without a pee... it's going to have to be dedication.

When we first got out here, I had a hard time just doing nothing. I felt jittery and unable to sit. I've finally relaxed and was able to read more of my book than I have in a long time. Maybe I should just cut myself some slack for a change! Take it easy and enjoy! You only go around once and boy, have I been going around!

Happiness lurks in solitude and silence too... I can't wait to get to know her again!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Solo Camping

Solo camping rocks! I shouldn't say solo, I had my trusty canine navigatoress, Lola the Wonderdog and she was fabulous as usual!

When we first arrived, I couldn't figure out how to get the tent up... I wrestled with it for awhile and then thought, I'll pump up the air mattress my fantastic producer Ryan lent me. I opened the box for the pump and plugged in the cigarette lighter attachment and it didn't work..... Nothin'.... Then I read the instructions and realized it's a RECHARGEABLE pump and needed to be charged for TEN HOURS before using! Yep... I should have opened it before I left!

So, I sat frustrated and about to cry when I noticed a couple of guys setting up their site beside me... I hemmed and hawed and frankly did NOT in any way want to appear like a helpless female and when I sashayed over, that's exactly what I said to the guy. He came over and helped with me with the tent, lent me their pump and I took it to the bathroom close by to pump up the air mattress. I was still cool. Mostly because I have the best dog ever! After we set up camp, we took a long walk on the nearby Dunes beach and went swimming (me sans clothes - VERY liberating) It was warm and so lovely!

The air mattress lost air in the middle of the night but not before I had a grand time chatting with the fellas next door with some adult beverages! It was AOK!

Lola woke me up at 6am... I guess it was payback because I had to pee at 3am and dragged her to the washroom! We went into town for Timmies and a Timbit for my navigator... then back to the park and the dog beach... It was so early no one was there... We went back to the campsite and cooked lunch, then a hiking trail and off to the dog beach again. This time it was CROWDED! We stayed for a bit then went back to the site... I read a book while Lola sat in my lap... She was bushed and so was I!

Our neighbours invited us over for a fire and again adult bevvies and a grand time was had by all... luckily they like cute puppies! Lola was a hit!

Not much air left in the mattress but it was still fine... Lola and I passed out from sheer exhaustion! She let me "sleep in" till 7 on Sunday... Off to Timmies then a nice long walk on the dog beach... and then a barefoot run! It felt SO good!

I really had no thoughts about the soon-to-be-ex moving his stuff out until late morning when we thought about packing up and going home... That went quickly and smoothly and on the sleepy drive home, I couldn't help but wonder why it was that I just couldn't let go of my anger.. Why is it that I just cannot get over what he did to me? I am not an angry nor negative person but I just cannot conceive how someone can live with themselves and have no real remorse for what they have done. I just don't get it. Nor why someone could expect that you could just pretend it didn't happen, like your feelings and emotions mean nothing.

I got home to find my phone didn't work, nor the cable and not the internet either. I know it wasn't cut off because I personally arranged that part of the move. Something was pulled out or disconnected in some way. I got pissed! Angry... thinking how inconsiderate it was... to just leave and not check that... But that's the reason we are apart... I could not count on this person to be considerate... I had to vent... I called a friend and they were shocked at how upset I was... they said, "But what did you expect? Why do you keep thinking he won't screw things up?" I guess I never thought about it... I guess I just have to accept that that's "him"... you can never count on anything... but that's so sad...

I didn't bring my bike this time... no rack yet... but we did get some swimming in... not much but we did hit the water.... Lola LOVES the water! And running on the beach tuckered us out! ME at least!

Packing and moving boxes to the new place today... and a glass a red wine to end the day... Blissfully tuckered out!

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Holy crap! I am going to hurt tomorrow! Turns out my cute and enthusiastic next door neighbour Alicia (she's training for a marathon!) signed up for the same session with the same instructor! She suggested we BIKE there and back! I thought it sounded great! I was winded when we GOT to bootcamp then on the way home I was just plain done like dinner!

Good GOD, I am so bushed! I know I am going to hurt... but it feels so good! GREAT idea Lish, you rock! And thanks to Jenn for another great summer bootcamp class!

I still haven't got in the water yet, don't know why I am so scared! Maybe I can do it this weekend! I LOVE the water but I think I am afraid I will just SUCK!

Lola and I are booked in for camping for the weekend, just the girls and I am so excited!

Just checked the forecast.... NOT so excited! They say it's supposed to rain Friday, Saturday and Sunday, 70 percent chance... LOL! Just shit luck I guess... but nothing can dampen our enthusiasm!!! We are heading out after work tomorrow, it should be fun, at least an adventure anyhow! And hopefully we can squeeze in a run when we're away! Can't wait to get Lola on that dog beach!

The soon-to-be-ex is moving his stuff. Hopefully I will be sitting by the campfire relaxing with my pooch, a book and s'mores!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


The showdog put in an impressive day today! Just when I thought I would have to leave Lola at home for my runs, we did a 5k today with only a few minor bathroom breaks! I was almost dragging her panting ass near the end but hell I was draggin my panting ass too!

It dawned on me that we are both in training! Lola only has done these runs in the past when I've done them. So she's at the same endurance level as me. We'll BOTH get better with time and consistency!

Thanks to Alicia for suggesting taking our bikes to bootcamp on Thursday, great idea! Tomorrow it's supposed to rain so I'm going to try and do a swim and a cycling class in the afternoon/evening.

I handled my "family" situation and I didn't dive into a litre of Moose Tracks nor a nice bottle of Hardys. I did however have a wicked craving for maple syrup on Village Harvest bread! I only had a tiny bit, just enough to satiate my cravings!

The "soon-to-be-ex" will be moving his stuff out of the house this weekend. I'm debating about taking Lola camping on our own and think it may be the best thing. That will be another hurdle in the healing process. Packing is going well, a little each night, and I should have it done by Friday!

Smiles all around!

Monday, June 7, 2010


Today I came out of work and three birds had shat on my windshield. Did I wipe it off or get grossed out? Nope, thought it was a sign of luck so left it there! Three different loads? Don't all good things come in threes???

Got home today and it was beautiful! Perfect for a bike ride! I mapped out a 10k ride to get me in the groove... lots of hills and riding against the wind. A good test of my tenacity, as before I would have quit! The hills were tough and the traffic, dangerously close but it wasn't rush hour so I considered myself lucky! And I feel great!

I got a call from a family member today that normally would have sent me off the rails. A crisis sort of call that is designed to have me completely take the reigns, then worry myself sick about someone else's problem. The kind of problem that would send me to the bottom of a litre of ice cream or to empty a bottle of red wine. I stayed still. I faced it. Because I know I am strong enough, and important enough to take care of ME first ("...and gosh darn it, people like me..."-Stuart Smalley SNL)

My guilty pleasure, The Bachelorette, is on soon.

It has been a good day. Not just lucky, but GOOD!

Happy is gaining on me and I think she may just stay this time!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Running and Lola the Showdog

Today I realized that it may not be possible to run with my dog Lola as the distances increase. I'm going to try a few things first, but we may have to keep it to leisurely jaunts. I know she loves to run with me and when we start out she has the leash in her teeth and is dragging me! But after about 15 min. she gets tired. She is also very distracted by squirrels, bicycles, motorbikes, other dogs and people, what can I say, she's a social dog! Today, I even took her to the dogpark first to get all the poo-ing out, but it looks terrible when we get near the end of a run and she is BEHIND me! But I feel so guilty doing something active without her. Therein lies a hint of my problem. I need to do things JUST FOR ME!

I have not gotten into the pool yet. I am afraid. I once, as an adult, panicked in the water and became frantic when I took some water in. Luckily my mom was there to calm me down. I HAVE to get in and start though. My gym has a pool but we ran by Thames Pool today and I think it may be open for the summer now. It's an option!

I also have to incorporate at least one day where I do two disciplines starting Monday. Lola and I did a 5k today and I'm thinking of hitting the gym pool today since it's overcast.

I decided I need to give myself more incentive. I told myself that if I keep to my sched this week and next, I will reward myself with a new dress. Anyone that knows me knows, I LOVE pretty dresses! It's almost a sickness!

I realized today too that I am more happy when I workout. This comes as no lightning bolt but I have to keep it in mind. I realized this week that I am afraid to fail. For some reason I would rather not try than to try, and fail. That can't be a new concept either but it has kept me from living a full life for far too long!

I started to dream again! Dream about that big lakefront house on the beach, my own TV talk show, that handsome dark-haired funny and supportive partner, and that cool SUV for camping trips and other adventures! I have to believe it's possible, but also live in the "right now", with all the things I'm grateful for!

My allergies still suck but I think they are manageable. No more excuses!

Monday, May 31, 2010

On My Own

After crunching the numbers and thinking about how much gear I have to purchase including new runners, a bike rack and a wetsuit, it appears I won't be able to pay for a tri training clinic afterall, so it's just up to me!!!

I have eight weeks now until the Muskoka tri and I have looked at several training schedules. I cancelled my gym membership but it doesn't officially close till the start of August, so I can still train indoors if need be and more importantly use their pool!

I have worked out a rough sched of what days I train which discipline and am happy with it. Today I have to get in the pool, which is lucky since a big thunderclapper is on the way.

On another front, I have almost all of my packing done for the move except for linens, clothes and dishes, which I will do most of this week.

I am looking forward to "starting over" but it will be a little tricky fitting in the training as there is a "lull" between when the house closes and when I can get into the new place, hence being organized with a training sched and a bike rack for transporting the bike. If push came to shove I could train indoors of course but would prefer getting the feel of outdoors even if the weather sucks. I am hoping my drive to train will soften the blow of leaving my old life behind, some painful memories, but facing it just the same is part of the process. I am strong enough. And I want to be happy-go-lucky and carefree as I used to be. I can't do that till I move past the crap!

The motivation for me behind doing this and continuing the training, is that some people inevitably will think I can't do it. THAT is the overwhelmingly best motivation for me, to prove people wrong and to show myself I have what it takes.

Swimming today... we'll see how that goes! Then bootcamp tomorrow... YIKES!

Sunday, May 30, 2010


My allergies are insane! A pounding sinus headache plus all the other symptoms. The pharmacist says I have to take an allergy pill AND a pain reliever! My mind is fuzzy at best!

Lola (my dog) and I ran an easy 3k today as we didn't get to it till the middle of the day when it was 30 degrees! I gave her a bath first and didn't dry her fur so she could feel a little cooler.

I am having some serious digestive issues. I can't seem to move anything through my system. After years of trying different digestive aids, I think it's finally taken its toll on my digestive tract. I can only hope with good nutrition and the abundance of exercise will help.

My tri class starts on Monday and I still have to get a bike rack to transport my bicycle. I may just have to ride it! I'm excited but also nervous about it. My legs still hurt from the hill repeats the other night.

Off to the beach today though to visit with friends and catch some rays! Lola loves the water and so do I! Let's hope the drugs help with the allergy symptoms!

Thursday, May 27, 2010


I did it! I signed up for a sprint triathlon on July 24th in Muskoka and paid for my entry fee! I'm too cheap to back out! 750m swim, 20k bike, 5k run.

I met with Jennifer at the Multisport Zone in London and she was great! I have to admit, talking about the gear (there is so much I need to get), about getting into the water(I haven't swam in a year) and transporting my bike around (I don't have a bike rack) was a bit overwhelming and intimidating. All the coaches there are obviously experienced and "pros". Jennifer wanted to fit me for a wetsuit so you can imagine my embarrassment when I had to tell her quietly I couldn't do it today because I was.... well.... "commando".

It's 35 frickin' degrees today!

I left thinking I have to go and sign up for the event right away or I will lose my nerve.

I cried on the way home because I think I was both excited and scared. I also know I am on the road to happy... I have really missed her but I think in some way, some weird twisted thought process, I'm afraid of her. Not sure why yet.

I am still scared to do this but I am signing up for the weekly women's tri clinic plus I will have my weekly 90 min. outdoor bootcamp to keep me motivated and committed. AND as long as the good weather prevails, I'm biking to work! Obviously with a death wish combatting the traffic in the morning!

But isn't anything worth doing a little bit scary? Isn't that what really builds character and confidence?

After dinner I did hill repeats at Gibbons Park in the sweltering heat. It hurt but it made me feel fantastic!

I'm on my way!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Staying still and dealing with sh%t is not pretty, sometimes it's downright ugly!

My brother came to visit for the long weekend and being with family always brings up old patterns and some really raw feelings for all of us.

This time was no different.

But we pushed through the crap!

My family never talked about anything and our parents took no accountability for the stuff they put us through. By not talking about it, it didn't exist. Having my brother visit reminded me of some of the incidents I had forgotten about. Painful ones for both of us. Some of it I missed because he is 8 years younger than me and I had moved out of the house. I have let go of the guilt of not being there to protect him but it's still hard to hear what he endured and the emotional scars it's left him with. And so we are each other's sounding board. Emotions are raw, defenses up. But we soldiered through, because that's the only way to do it. Face it then move past it. Talk honestly about how we feel and why.

We both shed some tears, let out some anger, and are better for it. And of course, much closer. I know it's the right thing to do. And I know that this is also part of any healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. And I know that in my case, it's paramount. Honest communication and not witholding your true deepest thoughts is something that I have not found in a mate. For whatever reason, one couldn't be honest about most things. SO many things. I realize he had issues far before I met him. I was willing to work through mine and his together. He was not.

Health-wise I am excited about meeting a multisport coach tomorrow about the triathlon and my outdoor bootcamp starts next week! I have looked into a yoga studio by my new digs and am considering signing up there! I can't wait to get into a fitness groove again!

I don't want to hide my feelings anymore, nor dull them with anything else. I need to feel the pain and know that I can live through it!

Happy is closer, I can feel her breath on the back of my neck!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Day One

This is meant to be therapeutic for me, a way of documenting my growth on the other side. And a way to make me laugh at myself, like I used to. To "Bring Back Happy", my dear old friend.

I know I am not alone in this.

I have not been able to put into words what has happened in the last 8 months until now, and even now, it will take time.

I felt the walls crumbling in on me for the umpteenth time in my 43 year life and after much deliberation, decided to face the pain this time. It didn't kill me like I thought it would. I didn't bury the feelings in food, booze, sex and any manner of other distractions like before.

I stood there, this time, and felt it.

It sucked. But I am still standing after the dust has pretty much cleared. I expect to get a call from Dr. Phil or Oprah any day now.

I didn't trust my gut. It always tells me to run, and most of the time, I run. Except in romantic relationships. Twice now I should have run but stayed.

See, I figure everyone has "something" they struggle with and that's what relationships are for, to work out those struggles with someone else as a mirror to the "stuff" we're afraid to show and to deal with. Somehow I always seem to know how to "help" everyone else with their "stuff" instinctively. But sadly, after failed marriage number two, the epiphany arose that I keep choosing partners that have no idea how to help themselves let alone another human being. And their "stuff" became the distraction from the work only I could do on myself.

And so it begins.

I think back to the happiest times in my life. The feeling of sheer elation, being so happy just "being". Fortunately, I don't have to go that far back, but if I am honest, they have been mostly when I was single. When I was fully "myself" without a worry of judgement, from the rest of the world, nor a partner.

That's where the starting point is and after much psychobabble discussion on my head, I know that I am a person who gains confidence from accomplishing challenge. The old "feel the fear and do it anyway" mantra. It works for me.

Like many others, I suspect, our parents never knew how to encourage us. I asked my mom a few years back why she never told us how wonderful we were. She said she didn't want us to get "big heads". Mission accomplished.

But there comes a time in your life when you have to stop blaming your parents, being resentful, angry and take stock in who you are. I am the only person I need to impress and while it's wonderful to have adulation from others, it should never be about that. One should feel the sense of "fabulousness" inside. Even alone. Okay that's not a real word but it is to me!

I trained for a half marathon a few years back. A decade ago, I finished an individual sprint triathlon and the same summer did the 40k bike portion of a long length tri. During those training times, I felt the most focused and happy in my adult life. Exercise needs to be a daily part of my life. It's time I stopped ignoring that! It's time I stopped trying to dull whatever it was I couldn't cope with.

It's time for another goal.

The course of events that led to this decision I am unable to ignore for it seems that some sort of mystical kismet brought all of the pieces together.

Not in The Secret kind of way, but cool just the same!

This is the place where I deal with the obstacles, for I know getting out of this comfort zone will be a crap time. But I am willing to face it. I have to or I will never truly live and love.

Come with me if you want, sure could use the company!