Saturday, July 24, 2010


One week of relaxation and bonding with friends! What's better than THAT! I got an awesome surprise running into a friend and her pooch as we both were doing a Saturday ritual of driving thru Timmies with our dogs and getting some caffeine! It turned into a fabulous visit! I needed my "Erin and Rob" fix and what a great way to start holidays!

I am so looking forward to unwinding, reading, getting some sun, and visiting a new friend! The key word however, is RELAX! It's going to be so hard not to read the paper everyday and look on everything as a "topic"!

I had a grade 10 math teacher, Mr. Douglas, and in his class he had a sign right over the clock, presumably to alert you to the time you were wasting looking at it. It read, "Time passes. Will you?" I never forgot it! I think of it now and know that with the passage of time, things are getting better and that I'm in the place that I'm supposed to be!

I have never felt so confident in myself as I do today and actually in the choices I am making and will make in my friendships and one day in a potential partner in the future. I realize what I zoned out on. I am aware of what I do not need and what drains my energy. I hope that instinct becomes second nature and my nagging desire to see what a person COULD be rather than the person they show up as now, subsides. All of that without losing my compassion and understanding of the foibles of others because, Lord knows, I have enough faults myself!

Tall order, but it is coming... slowly but surely.

My lack of confidence in the person I am, the character and integrity, the strong person I am, the beautiful person I am, inside and out, has sabotaged me. I know that now. I need only embrace myself, just as I am, to find true happiness. It seems so simple, why is it that so many of us find it so elusive?

Not anymore. There is so much serenity in realizing you don't have to be anyone else other who you are, right now. Sure, we can all strive to be better but until you live in the moment and see yourself as the perfect snowflake that you are, can you truly be satisfied by any accomplishments you reach. Until then, nothing will ever be enough. You will always loathe what you see in the mirror.

So on this vacation, I can't wait to laugh, sleep, discover, read, and develop my friendships... make new memories!

Happiness is so close I can taste it!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Ice Cream

Damn ice cream for tasting so good! I remember as a kid my dad would bring home a 2L brick of neopolitan ice cream, open the whole box up and slice the thing into four pieces, one for himself, mom, my brother and me. That was the beginning of a life long love affair, a love/hate relationship.

I watched an interview with a woman I had heard is performing at a local concert. In it, she describes her 90-something neighbour that she would frequently visit. She asked the wise woman what advice she could offer and she shrugged her shoulders with a twinkle in her eye and said, "Just have fun!"

I don't think anyone who is told they have a short time to live, and is looking over their life, wishes they would have spent more time working, worrying about money or what they looked like. Nor what they ATE!

Ice cream makes me happy. I'm done worrying about it.

My best friend and I did something I always loved as a kid and haven't done in way too long. We flew a kite! It was perfect weather on the beach, strong wind coming off the water, and we stood on a cliff with a little patch of grass to run along. Stuff like that shouldn't be reserved for the young. You need only be young at heart! My heart was singing and you couldn't wipe the smile off my face!

Why DON'T people allow themselves to have more fun? Who decided not to or that age was supposed to put some sort of limit on how much fun you could have?

Eating ice cream is fun! Flying kites is fun! I can't wait to do more fun stuff!

Everyday, something fun!

Now THAT'S a cool goal! If only we could all keep that one up!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


I love the country I live in. I love the city of London and I love the little village where I now live! What could be better? People are friendly, creative and quirky and their homes reflect that. There is always something going on and it warms my heart!

I have had to explain my marital situation to a few people lately and it seems easier and I say less. It's just a little simpler. Plus, I don't feel the need to vent as much anymore. It's finally fading!

I wonder if people realize that just because others look confident on the outside does not mean they are any more or less self-assured than they themselves are. We all seem to worry that "everyone else" has it together but it's simply a lie your mind creates. If only we could still that incessant voice, the world would be a much happier place. I think meditation helps. If you can clear you mind, there's no chance that dirty rotten voice can screw with your self image and sabbotage your happiness.

People need to share more. Just talking and helping others realize we are all the same really. My new neighbour said he was going to let me in on a secret. That it's his birthday on the weekend. I read a little more into it. I will get him a card and maybe a small gift. No one should have to think no one cares for them. A simple token means so much. If only we weren't so afraid of people that are okay being alone. It seems freakish and foreign, but it takes true courage and the enjoyment of your own company to be alone. But sometimes being alone you forget how great it is to have company. I will knock on my neighbour's door for his birthday. He might like the company. Me too.

Saturday, July 10, 2010


I am ill. Not anything you can see visibly and yes, some could argue maybe I AM a little sick in the head but this is physical. My aunt nearly died of Crohn's disease and colon cancer runs in the family. My doc is checking into a number of things but I'm a little spooked. It could be stress but it should have subsided by now. My stomach is distended and I am deathly afraid because nothing is "moving". I feel like I look like this:

I went for a haircut last week and my hairstylist, who is also my best friend, had to suggest styling my hair differently because I have lost so much of it. My once thick wavy hair is now stringy and down to a number of strands. We're doing it straight this summer and lots of ponytails! I guess I never realized the toll this has taken on my body.

That's why I made the decision to duck out of the triathlon. I think I would get injured if I attempted it now. I cancelled my room in Muskoka.

I've also thought alot about what makes me who I am. It's not what I do for a living nor what I do to impress people. I wanted to make a triathlon a goal so I would make training part of my lifestyle. I didn't realize I needed to embrace that lifestyle maybe BEFORE I made the goal. I haven't given myself and my body much time to heal. That should have come first.

Mentally I feel better than I have in many years. The chaos is gone and peace remains.I LOVE it!1 Lola loves that we have a routine and we walk three times a day. I love that I can go for one of those walks with her in the evening and we stumble upon an outdoor concert on the grass near the house. It really doesn't get much better than that! And I'm getting my "funny" back! Man, I thought she would never emerge!

I've also been thinking about the people that I know struggling with cancer. When I think about my patchy scalp I remind myself that I could have lost it during chemo or radiation and I thank God for my health. I get one life and I best be taking care of myself if I want to have some more shits and giggles! No pun intended with the "shits" reference... that alludes me and that's the health struggle at the minute.

So am I disappointed in myself for not completing a triathlon this summer? Not one bit. When I come to the end, I hope people whisper some funny stories about me and how I embraced people for who they are, just as they are, as I hope others do with me.

I am not what I do nor what I have but whom I affect.

That's my new goal.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


I have been thinking about expectations. Expectations I put on myself and expectations I project onto others. Like most people I put high expectations on myself, but never seem to cut myself some slack... EVER! It's almost as if I put almost unmanageable obstacles in front of me too. Self sabotage.

And other people. I expect them to be like me. But not everyone is and it turns out that's a really good thing. Because of past hurt, I have narrowed down the "requirements" to be my friend to such a short list, I'm not allowing myself to get to know some really great people.

I've been worried about others judging me for now being married twice. I listen to conversations people have and if they refer to someone "on their THIRD marriage", it's almost always with contempt in their voice. But I find myself viewing others with contempt too. I used to be of the vein that I could never judge someone unless I walked a mile in their shoes. As life meandered on, it dawned on me that everything I had judged anyone for, had indeed landed in my lap. I think God must be tapping His foot and wondering, "When the heck are you going to stop the judgement?! Are we DONE now?"

I have expected anyone I've trusted, even as a friend, to betray me eventually. And those I have chosen to trust, were not trustworthy. Most showed me that though, early on but I chose to ignore it. It's awful sometimes to have hindsight, it really doesn't need glasses at all. RATS!

It was a year since our backyard reception on Canada Day weekend. It came and went and I enjoyed the company of friends both new and old.

My training is flailing but I have not given up! I have visited the doc for some physical health issues and I'm back on track! Turns out I may be gluten intolerant but the doc has to verify.

It is so hot outside I am more paranoid about The Wonderdog overheating than getting heat stroke myself.

It's JULY allready!

I got teary-eyed today taking Lola for her third walk. As I walked by a man sitting on his front stoop, strumming a little mandolin, I thought, I am finally home.