Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Silence is Deafening

It's an expression I have often loved. Your silence is deafening, meaning why aren't you saying anything? But for me, silence is hard. It means I'm alone with my deepest feelings and thoughts. It means I don't have something else to distract me from me. It's scary. Or at least it used to be.

I've been reading alot lately. I finally finished Eat Pray Love by Liz Gilbert. I'd been reading it and trying to finish it since January and figured I better tackle it before the Julia Roberts movie comes out! It's been inspiring. The ex and I attended a meditation class awhile back. We befriended a fabulous monk that I still enjoy keeping in touch with. He has, and continues to, teach me alot, not just about meditation but life in general. I've started to meditate again. It's amazing the serenity you can find in being still. It's astonishing to me that healing can happen when you do absolutely nothing at all. I'm also about halfway through Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. It's been extremely helpful too and guess what? She suggests meditating too! I think it was Oprah that said all the great minds meditate. I don't know about great minds but I do know that it's a peacefulness that I can't get by trying to figure everything out on my own.

There have been times in my life when I thought sadness would overtake me, so I pushed it away and pushed on. There have been times that I have been so angry at someone for not loving me like they promised to, that I shoved it down inside. I am feeling those feelings now and it's not as excruciating as I thought, not even close, and boy, am I human! And I finally think that's okay. Turns out those feelings are feelings from days gone by and current events only trigger those bad memories from the past. Thus, the feelings are not actually happening "now" but were never validated feelings that keep coming up. If I had had someone to acknowledge those feelings then, I likely wouldn't be so tormented. But I have the opportunity now, in meditation, to call all of those unresolved, unvalidated feelings to the surface and feel them... then let them go... If someone would have told me it was that simple I would have laughed them off.

And so I meditate, out at the lake, in silence, with Lola the wonderdog by my side.

Lola is meditating too. She looks happy!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Sex and the Single Girl

A bit hectic getting up at 5am (who knew you could pick up a Cleveland radio station from here?) and driving in to work but got there early and intact! Stressed out though that I couldn't stay for news conference.. had to rush back for Lola's pee break... I just can't do it right now.. I can only do what I can do!

My pal and his partner, the ones letting me stay at their vacation paradise, showed up for dinner! Nice to be able to do something menial like cooking them dinner, as just one thank you for all they've done!

We were joking about "rough sex" and that I like"variety" in small doses... One suggested maybe that's why me and the soon-to-be-ex went south... that maybe I should have let him know how adventurous I enjoy being. I explained that I did. I was always open... always could talk about it... We didn't have true intimacy... I should have known... My shoulders are starting to buckle from the weight of taking all the blame...
It's time to stop now...
Ah, sex.... so delicious yet so complicated...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day and Being Transient

The move is over. Lola and I are officially out of the matrimonial home. I felt sad when I dropped her off at the kennel the night before, because she would never be back to the only home she ever knew. But it was for the best. I picked her up after all was moved into storage and we drove out to the cottage. Friends are letting us stay out here until our apartment is ready. The only time I cried was driving back to the house alone after dropping the dog off. A good bawl and then I felt like facing the future!

It was odd the way it all went down. Soon-to-be-ex and I never saw one another. We haven't seen each other, save a few seconds, in what seems like months. I don't want to see him, no desire, no basis for any semblance of a friendship. I just can't. It's not in me. I've let up on myself for not being "nice". What he did wasn't nice either. It's a process.

I called my dad for Father's Day today and it sounds like he's having a rough time as usual. It never seems to get easy for Dad, always a struggle. It has occurred to me recently that with both my parents, who were 19 and 21 when they married, that I was always the "adult" in the relationship and they were the "children"... at least for most of my adult life. That would explain some of the choices I have made in mates, people that needed to be "looked after"... I'm still mulling all of that over... Regardless, he was happy to hear from me and it was good to talk to him.

Exercise this week has been sporadic at best. I have roughly 5 weeks to ratchet up the workouts. Running out here will be the easiest to do. Biking will too if I can get a rack and get my bike out here somehow! My membership at the gym is still good till August so I can swim before I drive back out here... but I can't leave Lola too long without a pee... it's going to have to be dedication.

When we first got out here, I had a hard time just doing nothing. I felt jittery and unable to sit. I've finally relaxed and was able to read more of my book than I have in a long time. Maybe I should just cut myself some slack for a change! Take it easy and enjoy! You only go around once and boy, have I been going around!

Happiness lurks in solitude and silence too... I can't wait to get to know her again!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Solo Camping

Solo camping rocks! I shouldn't say solo, I had my trusty canine navigatoress, Lola the Wonderdog and she was fabulous as usual!

When we first arrived, I couldn't figure out how to get the tent up... I wrestled with it for awhile and then thought, I'll pump up the air mattress my fantastic producer Ryan lent me. I opened the box for the pump and plugged in the cigarette lighter attachment and it didn't work..... Nothin'.... Then I read the instructions and realized it's a RECHARGEABLE pump and needed to be charged for TEN HOURS before using! Yep... I should have opened it before I left!

So, I sat frustrated and about to cry when I noticed a couple of guys setting up their site beside me... I hemmed and hawed and frankly did NOT in any way want to appear like a helpless female and when I sashayed over, that's exactly what I said to the guy. He came over and helped with me with the tent, lent me their pump and I took it to the bathroom close by to pump up the air mattress. I was still cool. Mostly because I have the best dog ever! After we set up camp, we took a long walk on the nearby Dunes beach and went swimming (me sans clothes - VERY liberating) It was warm and so lovely!

The air mattress lost air in the middle of the night but not before I had a grand time chatting with the fellas next door with some adult beverages! It was AOK!

Lola woke me up at 6am... I guess it was payback because I had to pee at 3am and dragged her to the washroom! We went into town for Timmies and a Timbit for my navigator... then back to the park and the dog beach... It was so early no one was there... We went back to the campsite and cooked lunch, then a hiking trail and off to the dog beach again. This time it was CROWDED! We stayed for a bit then went back to the site... I read a book while Lola sat in my lap... She was bushed and so was I!

Our neighbours invited us over for a fire and again adult bevvies and a grand time was had by all... luckily they like cute puppies! Lola was a hit!

Not much air left in the mattress but it was still fine... Lola and I passed out from sheer exhaustion! She let me "sleep in" till 7 on Sunday... Off to Timmies then a nice long walk on the dog beach... and then a barefoot run! It felt SO good!

I really had no thoughts about the soon-to-be-ex moving his stuff out until late morning when we thought about packing up and going home... That went quickly and smoothly and on the sleepy drive home, I couldn't help but wonder why it was that I just couldn't let go of my anger.. Why is it that I just cannot get over what he did to me? I am not an angry nor negative person but I just cannot conceive how someone can live with themselves and have no real remorse for what they have done. I just don't get it. Nor why someone could expect that you could just pretend it didn't happen, like your feelings and emotions mean nothing.

I got home to find my phone didn't work, nor the cable and not the internet either. I know it wasn't cut off because I personally arranged that part of the move. Something was pulled out or disconnected in some way. I got pissed! Angry... thinking how inconsiderate it was... to just leave and not check that... But that's the reason we are apart... I could not count on this person to be considerate... I had to vent... I called a friend and they were shocked at how upset I was... they said, "But what did you expect? Why do you keep thinking he won't screw things up?" I guess I never thought about it... I guess I just have to accept that that's "him"... you can never count on anything... but that's so sad...

I didn't bring my bike this time... no rack yet... but we did get some swimming in... not much but we did hit the water.... Lola LOVES the water! And running on the beach tuckered us out! ME at least!

Packing and moving boxes to the new place today... and a glass a red wine to end the day... Blissfully tuckered out!

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Holy crap! I am going to hurt tomorrow! Turns out my cute and enthusiastic next door neighbour Alicia (she's training for a marathon!) signed up for the same session with the same instructor! She suggested we BIKE there and back! I thought it sounded great! I was winded when we GOT to bootcamp then on the way home I was just plain done like dinner!

Good GOD, I am so bushed! I know I am going to hurt... but it feels so good! GREAT idea Lish, you rock! And thanks to Jenn for another great summer bootcamp class!

I still haven't got in the water yet, don't know why I am so scared! Maybe I can do it this weekend! I LOVE the water but I think I am afraid I will just SUCK!

Lola and I are booked in for camping for the weekend, just the girls and I am so excited!

Just checked the forecast.... NOT so excited! They say it's supposed to rain Friday, Saturday and Sunday, 70 percent chance... LOL! Just shit luck I guess... but nothing can dampen our enthusiasm!!! We are heading out after work tomorrow, it should be fun, at least an adventure anyhow! And hopefully we can squeeze in a run when we're away! Can't wait to get Lola on that dog beach!

The soon-to-be-ex is moving his stuff. Hopefully I will be sitting by the campfire relaxing with my pooch, a book and s'mores!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


The showdog put in an impressive day today! Just when I thought I would have to leave Lola at home for my runs, we did a 5k today with only a few minor bathroom breaks! I was almost dragging her panting ass near the end but hell I was draggin my panting ass too!

It dawned on me that we are both in training! Lola only has done these runs in the past when I've done them. So she's at the same endurance level as me. We'll BOTH get better with time and consistency!

Thanks to Alicia for suggesting taking our bikes to bootcamp on Thursday, great idea! Tomorrow it's supposed to rain so I'm going to try and do a swim and a cycling class in the afternoon/evening.

I handled my "family" situation and I didn't dive into a litre of Moose Tracks nor a nice bottle of Hardys. I did however have a wicked craving for maple syrup on Village Harvest bread! I only had a tiny bit, just enough to satiate my cravings!

The "soon-to-be-ex" will be moving his stuff out of the house this weekend. I'm debating about taking Lola camping on our own and think it may be the best thing. That will be another hurdle in the healing process. Packing is going well, a little each night, and I should have it done by Friday!

Smiles all around!

Monday, June 7, 2010


Today I came out of work and three birds had shat on my windshield. Did I wipe it off or get grossed out? Nope, thought it was a sign of luck so left it there! Three different loads? Don't all good things come in threes???

Got home today and it was beautiful! Perfect for a bike ride! I mapped out a 10k ride to get me in the groove... lots of hills and riding against the wind. A good test of my tenacity, as before I would have quit! The hills were tough and the traffic, dangerously close but it wasn't rush hour so I considered myself lucky! And I feel great!

I got a call from a family member today that normally would have sent me off the rails. A crisis sort of call that is designed to have me completely take the reigns, then worry myself sick about someone else's problem. The kind of problem that would send me to the bottom of a litre of ice cream or to empty a bottle of red wine. I stayed still. I faced it. Because I know I am strong enough, and important enough to take care of ME first ("...and gosh darn it, people like me..."-Stuart Smalley SNL)

My guilty pleasure, The Bachelorette, is on soon.

It has been a good day. Not just lucky, but GOOD!

Happy is gaining on me and I think she may just stay this time!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Running and Lola the Showdog

Today I realized that it may not be possible to run with my dog Lola as the distances increase. I'm going to try a few things first, but we may have to keep it to leisurely jaunts. I know she loves to run with me and when we start out she has the leash in her teeth and is dragging me! But after about 15 min. she gets tired. She is also very distracted by squirrels, bicycles, motorbikes, other dogs and people, what can I say, she's a social dog! Today, I even took her to the dogpark first to get all the poo-ing out, but it looks terrible when we get near the end of a run and she is BEHIND me! But I feel so guilty doing something active without her. Therein lies a hint of my problem. I need to do things JUST FOR ME!

I have not gotten into the pool yet. I am afraid. I once, as an adult, panicked in the water and became frantic when I took some water in. Luckily my mom was there to calm me down. I HAVE to get in and start though. My gym has a pool but we ran by Thames Pool today and I think it may be open for the summer now. It's an option!

I also have to incorporate at least one day where I do two disciplines starting Monday. Lola and I did a 5k today and I'm thinking of hitting the gym pool today since it's overcast.

I decided I need to give myself more incentive. I told myself that if I keep to my sched this week and next, I will reward myself with a new dress. Anyone that knows me knows, I LOVE pretty dresses! It's almost a sickness!

I realized today too that I am more happy when I workout. This comes as no lightning bolt but I have to keep it in mind. I realized this week that I am afraid to fail. For some reason I would rather not try than to try, and fail. That can't be a new concept either but it has kept me from living a full life for far too long!

I started to dream again! Dream about that big lakefront house on the beach, my own TV talk show, that handsome dark-haired funny and supportive partner, and that cool SUV for camping trips and other adventures! I have to believe it's possible, but also live in the "right now", with all the things I'm grateful for!

My allergies still suck but I think they are manageable. No more excuses!