Deserving

How many of us have lost weight, felt really great about it, but never got down to the "goal weight" or the desired "look" we craved? Yep, me too. Why is that? You lose and then you reward yourself right? Because that's part of the cycle and the addiction. Crucify yourself, then you get the reward of eating like a normal person again and getting back ON the couch.

I recently read the book Women Food and God. For some reason, after reading it, I thought, "I'm not going to worry about my weight," because the worry is what is "weighing me down" literally. Or so I convinced myself. Another part of the book is to eat until you are FULL, eat only when you are hungry, and enjoy your food in full view, at a table like a normal civilized person. I just picked up the "eat what you want" part. And while I did feel a great deal freer not worrying about what I put in my mouth, I wasn't looking at the deeper reasons why I overeat in the first place.

Watching The Biggest Loser is inspiring to anyone who has had a weight struggle. In years gone by, I have gotten myself in phenomenal shape on sheer determination and grit alone. No help, no trainer, just mental toughness. Then something overthrows it. I finally figured out what it was after watching this week's episode and actally after watching an Oprah Show about 30-year-old virgins and why they were "hiding themselves" from love.

On a very deep level, I have not felt worthy of wonderful, breathtakingly beautiful, genuine love. I just did not think someone wonderful AND attractive could be attracted to me. And to INSURE that never happened, AND to have a fall back excuse, I kept myself just a little overweight, no matter how much I was able to lose, just a few pounds shy of feeling really fantastic about my body and my appearance. I kept that layer as a barrier between myself and letting someone in - alot came pretty far in - but none right to the skin.

I have been working on believing I deserve to follow my dreams. My dream job, dream travel, even down to material things I'd like to own. But why do I always seem to shirk the real work of relationships?

I cannot turn back the hands of time. I don't want to live in the past. I want to move forward with my life in the most positive way, in every aspect.

I DESERVE everything I can dream up and desire. The job, the man, the home, the life. I deserve to be heard and I deserve to be blissfully happy and fulfilled!

It's been a long time coming to this point!