Cheating

You know you try your best not to judge until you "walk a mile in their shoes" but man, there seems to be a whole lot of cheating going on! Is it just inevitable? Or is it just that we have better tools to "discover" the indiscretions?

Just this week, a good friend informed me after over 20 years together, she found out her husband has been cheating on her. What's worse, she is now questioning if it's been going on for years with different women.

She said had it not been for technology, she may have never found out.

She started to wonder why the phone was always left in the basement so she woke up one evening, snuck downstairs to eavesdrop and realized her husband was carrying on an intimate relationship with the woman at the other end of the phone.

She further then cracked into his email, and found the proof.

Until then, she had never had a reason to suspect anything, never thought he could be unfaithful.

This is not the first friend to whom this has happened, just the most recent in a long line. And not just females, men as well.

What IS commitment after all? We women are told it's a dirty word. It is to some women too.

Do you have to be married to expect someone not to sleep around? How long can that possibly last? Sex with just one person, your entire life?

The thing that my friend said struck me though. Even though she is incredibly sad, she's not angry. At least not yet! She says she just has lost respect for him.

Is it about respect? When you are betrayed, can you respect that person again?

What about when simply dating? Are all bets off? Unless you are committed in some sort of verbal contract, the sky's the limit on sleeping around?

I cannot tell you how many times I've seen it happen. A woman is "dating" a guy, and thinks it's going well, but suspects he slept with someone else. He denies it, prime ass coverage. The woman has a gnawing feeling he's not telling the truth but ignores it, trusts what he is saying is the truth. Inevitably she finds out he was cheating but he says they weren't "serious" so she shouldn't have expected anything different. And what of the "other" woman? Does anyone enjoy being someone's "dirty little secret"?

I use the woman scorned as the example, as in my experience, it's typically the woman who develops feelings even if they both agree the relationship is a "casual" one.

But even if a couple makes it past the "dating" stage and ends up in a common law or married relationship, there's no guarantee. No piece of paper nor tax write-off is going to keep someone from being unfaithful.

How do you know? What's the indicator?

A male friend of mine said that the rules are so different now, things are so incredibly casual, and people use it to their advantage. Maybe so but I have another theory.

I think so many people are "walking wounded". They are so incredibly hurt from previous trust breaches that they protect themselves at every cost, even if that means denying themselves true deep love, allowing someone in. Lots of sex with different partners is fun for awhile, but it gets empty pretty fast but it's easy and immediate, virtually no work involved.

In the case of my friend, she keeps saying her husband has always been selfish. He has always done exactly what he wanted to do, while she supported the family, the kids. If he didn't like his job, he quit without a thought of how it would affect the family unit. She was the breadwinner AND the caretaker while he pursued whatever he wanted and as it turns out, whomever he wanted. You can argue she made that choice, she knew, she continued. But like alot of us, once you make that commitment, marriage, you're in it for the long haul.

I guess the answer is, you really just have to trust your gut. If you feel like someone is a jackass, they likely are. If you feel like they're sleeping around, they probably are. Most of us just don't want to believe it.

Honesty and trust are almost like curse words. Why are people afraid to expect those things from someone?

I guess if we respect ourselves, then others will respect us too. Unless we treat ourselves well, how can we demand someone else does?

But that means walking away, before the cheating happens, when you first get that feeling. That's a really hard thing to do.

Not only are people "walking wounded" but they're also experiencing "skin hunger", which is different from plain old sex, it's holding each other skin to skin. Intimacy. Another curse word. It seems too scary for people to be that vulnerable. That's sad.

So how do you know if someone's going to be a cheater? You don't. You just roll the dice, hope for the best, and trust your gut. Some people say they just "know" when they're with their soul mate.

I think there's alot of truth to that. However, you just never know.

Dating

Dating is like a labyrinth of uncomfortable situations with extreme highs and hypnotic conversations peppered with physical attraction and occasional disappointment. At least that's the way I would describe MY confusing dating life!

I put far too much pressure on myself to "date"... I can "live in the moment" in so many other areas of my life, why does dating become something I have to define? I really don't NEED to be with someone. I'm quite happy on my own, comfortable being alone... I always say I am alone but not lonely...

I'm so fortunate to have a wide range of awesome and eclectic people in my life, some new, some have been around for years, and some have been in and out of my life. Many of them are male friends who are a fountain of advice!

I think because of my somewhat harrowing experiences with commitment and marriage, I am fearful. Because of these sorts of situations, some people become commitment-phobes, or in my case, commitment demanders. I am so afraid my heart will get squashed again, I need to know the person is committed to me before I give my heart up, even a smidge and I need to know this early on.... Cosmo and dating experts tell us this is likely to scare the shit out of most men. Believe them, it does.

Most men won't tell you why they won't date you, they don't want to be viewed as an "a-hole" and they sure don't want you to tell your single friends that! Plus, it can be hurtful. However, it can be extremely helpful! I was fortunate enough to have someone, a man I became pretty close friends with, tell me why he didn't want to date me. It did hurt at the time, but it was invaluable in my growth as a person. Kind of a gift. Sadly, we became so close that I developed feelings for him that were not reciprocated. I need some time to get over those feelings. I'm not angry, but missing the connection more than anything. It's hard to hear you were filling a void of intelligent conversation that a person was lacking, but that was all you were filling. But honesty is a gift and it's a really hard thing to be honest. I have to thank him and I have to give him credit.

All I can be is myself. I make no excuses for that. I've been making excuses alot of my life for who I am. I refuse to do that anymore. I accept myself, warts and all, even though I'm still "figuring it out" as I go along. It's actually pretty fun! And I have discovered the intestinal fortitude I have. I'm a pretty strong broad. And an honest one. I will continue to take chances on people. It pays off more than it doesn't. I have travelled to corners of this country and others, taking a chance on love. I don't regret a single second of all the adventures I've managed to gather up!

I'm done being someone's mother. GOD I hated that role! I'm a free-spirited person who was saddled with responsibility in my family life, then it carried over into my romantic life.

No more.

I'm responsible for myself and no one else. I can share in a partnership with someone and sharing means shouldering SOME of the load, not all of it! I'm irresponsible in some things, some of the time, but I tighten up for others. It's give and take. Most importantly though, it can be SUCH a fun ride! That's all I want, single or not, to enjoy the ride and live life to the fullest! I've got goals and dreams but when opportunity knocks, why not answer?

Glass half full!

My next adventure is just around the corner!

Valentine's Day!

I cannot remember being happier on a Valentine's Day!

I guess that doesn't say too much for the men whom I have been lucky enough see usher in and out of my life, as I am single for this one!

But each one was a stepping stone to this place.

I've always been a glass-half-full kind of person, always tried to see the bright side of every situation. I'm no Pollyanna because I have had low times, and I knew it was important to feel those feelings or I would never move on from them.

But I'm in such a fantastic place!

I am living my life in the moment! It has been tough but so rewarding!

I am not rushing into anything nor expecting anything! I am getting to know fantastic, and I mean top-notch people, because I am placing no expectations on them, just enjoying their company, and maybe more importantly, letting them get to know me.

I've always shielded others from exposing them to my true self. I have always been good at saying the "right" thing and being the "right" person in every situation.

Now, I'm just being me.

With no excuses.

And although it is just me this Feb. 14th, the day for "lovers" if you will, I feel completely whole.

Unafraid to be me yet still a bit vulnerable.

And it's a great place to be!

Have a wonderful Valentine's!

Random Acts of Kindness Birthday

On April 22, 2010, my birthday last year, I decided rather than GET gifts from people, I was going to GIVE gifts to other people, randomly.

I wish I could say I came up with the idea on my own but I read about it on Robyn Bomar`s blog.

You can read about it here!

Robyn did one random act for every year she`s been around! I didn`t really keep track of how many we did but my mom and I enjoyed it so much last year, that I think I will do it again this year!

I didn`t post it at the time because I kind of felt boastful about it. It took away the anonymous part that I so loved. But I thought if I wrote about it, more people would get the idea for THEIR birthdays and follow suit!

Here`s how it went.

My mom was visiting me so she was my partner in kindness you could say. I worked my shift at the radio station at the time then went to gather Mom.

It was a gorgeous day, sunny and bright! We started by purchasing several dozen roses, some bottled water, and a big bucket of Double Bubble bubble gum at Costco. When we got to the checkout, we also purchased $25 gift cards, both Mom and I separately. I almost bawled my eyes out when we simply turned around to the people behind us and gave them the cards and walked away. It felt so amazing!

Our first stop was for coffee! The drive-thu girl was very surprised when we gave her a rose!

We purchased coffee for ourselves and some timbits for another fun stop!

Next stop was The Dearness Home (a home for seniors) where I went in solo and randomly gave roses to people that worked there! They were entirely taken off guard but were incredibly grateful! I even went into the kitchen! I`ve worked in a kitchen, you don`t typically get much praise! It was just such a warm feeling knowing you brightened up someone`s day! I came out in tears it made me feel so good!

Then we stopped at Mom`s favourite, the Fire Training Centre! We brought just two roses and the timbits, sure enough, just two female firefighters! It worked out perfectly! I had also written in a cute card, `Thank you for unselfishly putting yourselves above others!``

Then we headed downtown! Anyone who lives here in London knows it`s a nightmare to be parked in the city`s core and your metre runs out! I had done a little preparation and purchased some rolls of quarters and loonies at the bank. Mom and I had a ball plugging all the metres! And we saw the Metre Man come by oddly enough, so some were saved from a ticket!!! We also had some more roses so gave them out too. I gave some people waiting for the bus, the change for bus fare!

Then we headed to the Springbank Park! Surely because it was such a nice day, there would be people jogging and biking! We handed out bottled water as people raced by! That part was challenging when they were whizzing by on a bike!

Next stop was the Boys`and Girls`Club where we dropped off the giant bucket of Double Bubble bubble gum! I actually had to fill out a form to donate it! However, they sent me a really nice card in the mail!

By this time, it was getting to the dinner hour so we headed home! I think if I`m a little bit more prepared this year, I could do a ton more!

It really was one of the most wonderfully uplifting days I`ve ever had!

That`s why I will do it again this year, and encourage as many of you to do it too!