Dating is like a labyrinth of uncomfortable situations with extreme highs and hypnotic conversations peppered with physical attraction and occasional disappointment. At least that's the way I would describe MY confusing dating life!
I put far too much pressure on myself to "date"... I can "live in the moment" in so many other areas of my life, why does dating become something I have to define? I really don't NEED to be with someone. I'm quite happy on my own, comfortable being alone... I always say I am alone but not lonely...
I'm so fortunate to have a wide range of awesome and eclectic people in my life, some new, some have been around for years, and some have been in and out of my life. Many of them are male friends who are a fountain of advice!
I think because of my somewhat harrowing experiences with commitment and marriage, I am fearful. Because of these sorts of situations, some people become commitment-phobes, or in my case, commitment demanders. I am so afraid my heart will get squashed again, I need to know the person is committed to me before I give my heart up, even a smidge and I need to know this early on.... Cosmo and dating experts tell us this is likely to scare the shit out of most men. Believe them, it does.
Most men won't tell you why they won't date you, they don't want to be viewed as an "a-hole" and they sure don't want you to tell your single friends that! Plus, it can be hurtful. However, it can be extremely helpful! I was fortunate enough to have someone, a man I became pretty close friends with, tell me why he didn't want to date me. It did hurt at the time, but it was invaluable in my growth as a person. Kind of a gift. Sadly, we became so close that I developed feelings for him that were not reciprocated. I need some time to get over those feelings. I'm not angry, but missing the connection more than anything. It's hard to hear you were filling a void of intelligent conversation that a person was lacking, but that was all you were filling. But honesty is a gift and it's a really hard thing to be honest. I have to thank him and I have to give him credit.
All I can be is myself. I make no excuses for that. I've been making excuses alot of my life for who I am. I refuse to do that anymore. I accept myself, warts and all, even though I'm still "figuring it out" as I go along. It's actually pretty fun! And I have discovered the intestinal fortitude I have. I'm a pretty strong broad. And an honest one. I will continue to take chances on people. It pays off more than it doesn't. I have travelled to corners of this country and others, taking a chance on love. I don't regret a single second of all the adventures I've managed to gather up!
I'm done being someone's mother. GOD I hated that role! I'm a free-spirited person who was saddled with responsibility in my family life, then it carried over into my romantic life.
I'm responsible for myself and no one else. I can share in a partnership with someone and sharing means shouldering SOME of the load, not all of it! I'm irresponsible in some things, some of the time, but I tighten up for others. It's give and take. Most importantly though, it can be SUCH a fun ride! That's all I want, single or not, to enjoy the ride and live life to the fullest! I've got goals and dreams but when opportunity knocks, why not answer?
Glass half full!
My next adventure is just around the corner!