I am ill. Not anything you can see visibly and yes, some could argue maybe I AM a little sick in the head but this is physical. My aunt nearly died of Crohn's disease and colon cancer runs in the family. My doc is checking into a number of things but I'm a little spooked. It could be stress but it should have subsided by now. My stomach is distended and I am deathly afraid because nothing is "moving". I feel like I look like this:
I went for a haircut last week and my hairstylist, who is also my best friend, had to suggest styling my hair differently because I have lost so much of it. My once thick wavy hair is now stringy and down to a number of strands. We're doing it straight this summer and lots of ponytails! I guess I never realized the toll this has taken on my body.
That's why I made the decision to duck out of the triathlon. I think I would get injured if I attempted it now. I cancelled my room in Muskoka.
I've also thought alot about what makes me who I am. It's not what I do for a living nor what I do to impress people. I wanted to make a triathlon a goal so I would make training part of my lifestyle. I didn't realize I needed to embrace that lifestyle maybe BEFORE I made the goal. I haven't given myself and my body much time to heal. That should have come first.
Mentally I feel better than I have in many years. The chaos is gone and peace remains.I LOVE it!1 Lola loves that we have a routine and we walk three times a day. I love that I can go for one of those walks with her in the evening and we stumble upon an outdoor concert on the grass near the house. It really doesn't get much better than that! And I'm getting my "funny" back! Man, I thought she would never emerge!
I've also been thinking about the people that I know struggling with cancer. When I think about my patchy scalp I remind myself that I could have lost it during chemo or radiation and I thank God for my health. I get one life and I best be taking care of myself if I want to have some more shits and giggles! No pun intended with the "shits" reference... that alludes me and that's the health struggle at the minute.
So am I disappointed in myself for not completing a triathlon this summer? Not one bit. When I come to the end, I hope people whisper some funny stories about me and how I embraced people for who they are, just as they are, as I hope others do with me.
I am not what I do nor what I have but whom I affect.
That's my new goal.