This is meant to be therapeutic for me, a way of documenting my growth on the other side. And a way to make me laugh at myself, like I used to. To "Bring Back Happy", my dear old friend.
I know I am not alone in this.
I have not been able to put into words what has happened in the last 8 months until now, and even now, it will take time.
I felt the walls crumbling in on me for the umpteenth time in my 43 year life and after much deliberation, decided to face the pain this time. It didn't kill me like I thought it would. I didn't bury the feelings in food, booze, sex and any manner of other distractions like before.
I stood there, this time, and felt it.
It sucked. But I am still standing after the dust has pretty much cleared. I expect to get a call from Dr. Phil or Oprah any day now.
I didn't trust my gut. It always tells me to run, and most of the time, I run. Except in romantic relationships. Twice now I should have run but stayed.
See, I figure everyone has "something" they struggle with and that's what relationships are for, to work out those struggles with someone else as a mirror to the "stuff" we're afraid to show and to deal with. Somehow I always seem to know how to "help" everyone else with their "stuff" instinctively. But sadly, after failed marriage number two, the epiphany arose that I keep choosing partners that have no idea how to help themselves let alone another human being. And their "stuff" became the distraction from the work only I could do on myself.
And so it begins.
I think back to the happiest times in my life. The feeling of sheer elation, being so happy just "being". Fortunately, I don't have to go that far back, but if I am honest, they have been mostly when I was single. When I was fully "myself" without a worry of judgement, from the rest of the world, nor a partner.
That's where the starting point is and after much psychobabble discussion on my head, I know that I am a person who gains confidence from accomplishing challenge. The old "feel the fear and do it anyway" mantra. It works for me.
Like many others, I suspect, our parents never knew how to encourage us. I asked my mom a few years back why she never told us how wonderful we were. She said she didn't want us to get "big heads". Mission accomplished.
But there comes a time in your life when you have to stop blaming your parents, being resentful, angry and take stock in who you are. I am the only person I need to impress and while it's wonderful to have adulation from others, it should never be about that. One should feel the sense of "fabulousness" inside. Even alone. Okay that's not a real word but it is to me!
I trained for a half marathon a few years back. A decade ago, I finished an individual sprint triathlon and the same summer did the 40k bike portion of a long length tri. During those training times, I felt the most focused and happy in my adult life. Exercise needs to be a daily part of my life. It's time I stopped ignoring that! It's time I stopped trying to dull whatever it was I couldn't cope with.
It's time for another goal.
The course of events that led to this decision I am unable to ignore for it seems that some sort of mystical kismet brought all of the pieces together.
Not in The Secret kind of way, but cool just the same!
This is the place where I deal with the obstacles, for I know getting out of this comfort zone will be a crap time. But I am willing to face it. I have to or I will never truly live and love.
Come with me if you want, sure could use the company!