Ugly

Staying still and dealing with sh%t is not pretty, sometimes it's downright ugly!

My brother came to visit for the long weekend and being with family always brings up old patterns and some really raw feelings for all of us.

This time was no different.

But we pushed through the crap!

My family never talked about anything and our parents took no accountability for the stuff they put us through. By not talking about it, it didn't exist. Having my brother visit reminded me of some of the incidents I had forgotten about. Painful ones for both of us. Some of it I missed because he is 8 years younger than me and I had moved out of the house. I have let go of the guilt of not being there to protect him but it's still hard to hear what he endured and the emotional scars it's left him with. And so we are each other's sounding board. Emotions are raw, defenses up. But we soldiered through, because that's the only way to do it. Face it then move past it. Talk honestly about how we feel and why.

We both shed some tears, let out some anger, and are better for it. And of course, much closer. I know it's the right thing to do. And I know that this is also part of any healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. And I know that in my case, it's paramount. Honest communication and not witholding your true deepest thoughts is something that I have not found in a mate. For whatever reason, one couldn't be honest about most things. SO many things. I realize he had issues far before I met him. I was willing to work through mine and his together. He was not.

Health-wise I am excited about meeting a multisport coach tomorrow about the triathlon and my outdoor bootcamp starts next week! I have looked into a yoga studio by my new digs and am considering signing up there! I can't wait to get into a fitness groove again!

I don't want to hide my feelings anymore, nor dull them with anything else. I need to feel the pain and know that I can live through it!

Happy is closer, I can feel her breath on the back of my neck!