I cannot remember being happier on a Valentine's Day!
I guess that doesn't say too much for the men whom I have been lucky enough see usher in and out of my life, as I am single for this one!
But each one was a stepping stone to this place.
I've always been a glass-half-full kind of person, always tried to see the bright side of every situation. I'm no Pollyanna because I have had low times, and I knew it was important to feel those feelings or I would never move on from them.
But I'm in such a fantastic place!
I am living my life in the moment! It has been tough but so rewarding!
I am not rushing into anything nor expecting anything! I am getting to know fantastic, and I mean top-notch people, because I am placing no expectations on them, just enjoying their company, and maybe more importantly, letting them get to know me.
I've always shielded others from exposing them to my true self. I have always been good at saying the "right" thing and being the "right" person in every situation.
Now, I'm just being me.
With no excuses.
And although it is just me this Feb. 14th, the day for "lovers" if you will, I feel completely whole.
Unafraid to be me yet still a bit vulnerable.
And it's a great place to be!
Have a wonderful Valentine's!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Random Acts of Kindness Birthday
On April 22, 2010, my birthday last year, I decided rather than GET gifts from people, I was going to GIVE gifts to other people, randomly.
I wish I could say I came up with the idea on my own but I read about it on Robyn Bomar`s blog.
You can read about it here!
Robyn did one random act for every year she`s been around! I didn`t really keep track of how many we did but my mom and I enjoyed it so much last year, that I think I will do it again this year!
I didn`t post it at the time because I kind of felt boastful about it. It took away the anonymous part that I so loved. But I thought if I wrote about it, more people would get the idea for THEIR birthdays and follow suit!
Here`s how it went.
My mom was visiting me so she was my partner in kindness you could say. I worked my shift at the radio station at the time then went to gather Mom.
It was a gorgeous day, sunny and bright! We started by purchasing several dozen roses, some bottled water, and a big bucket of Double Bubble bubble gum at Costco. When we got to the checkout, we also purchased $25 gift cards, both Mom and I separately. I almost bawled my eyes out when we simply turned around to the people behind us and gave them the cards and walked away. It felt so amazing!
Our first stop was for coffee! The drive-thu girl was very surprised when we gave her a rose!
We purchased coffee for ourselves and some timbits for another fun stop!
Next stop was The Dearness Home (a home for seniors) where I went in solo and randomly gave roses to people that worked there! They were entirely taken off guard but were incredibly grateful! I even went into the kitchen! I`ve worked in a kitchen, you don`t typically get much praise! It was just such a warm feeling knowing you brightened up someone`s day! I came out in tears it made me feel so good!
Then we stopped at Mom`s favourite, the Fire Training Centre! We brought just two roses and the timbits, sure enough, just two female firefighters! It worked out perfectly! I had also written in a cute card, `Thank you for unselfishly putting yourselves above others!``
Then we headed downtown! Anyone who lives here in London knows it`s a nightmare to be parked in the city`s core and your metre runs out! I had done a little preparation and purchased some rolls of quarters and loonies at the bank. Mom and I had a ball plugging all the metres! And we saw the Metre Man come by oddly enough, so some were saved from a ticket!!! We also had some more roses so gave them out too. I gave some people waiting for the bus, the change for bus fare!
Then we headed to the Springbank Park! Surely because it was such a nice day, there would be people jogging and biking! We handed out bottled water as people raced by! That part was challenging when they were whizzing by on a bike!
Next stop was the Boys`and Girls`Club where we dropped off the giant bucket of Double Bubble bubble gum! I actually had to fill out a form to donate it! However, they sent me a really nice card in the mail!
By this time, it was getting to the dinner hour so we headed home! I think if I`m a little bit more prepared this year, I could do a ton more!
It really was one of the most wonderfully uplifting days I`ve ever had!
That`s why I will do it again this year, and encourage as many of you to do it too!
I wish I could say I came up with the idea on my own but I read about it on Robyn Bomar`s blog.
You can read about it here!
Robyn did one random act for every year she`s been around! I didn`t really keep track of how many we did but my mom and I enjoyed it so much last year, that I think I will do it again this year!
I didn`t post it at the time because I kind of felt boastful about it. It took away the anonymous part that I so loved. But I thought if I wrote about it, more people would get the idea for THEIR birthdays and follow suit!
Here`s how it went.
My mom was visiting me so she was my partner in kindness you could say. I worked my shift at the radio station at the time then went to gather Mom.
It was a gorgeous day, sunny and bright! We started by purchasing several dozen roses, some bottled water, and a big bucket of Double Bubble bubble gum at Costco. When we got to the checkout, we also purchased $25 gift cards, both Mom and I separately. I almost bawled my eyes out when we simply turned around to the people behind us and gave them the cards and walked away. It felt so amazing!
Our first stop was for coffee! The drive-thu girl was very surprised when we gave her a rose!
Next stop was The Dearness Home (a home for seniors) where I went in solo and randomly gave roses to people that worked there! They were entirely taken off guard but were incredibly grateful! I even went into the kitchen! I`ve worked in a kitchen, you don`t typically get much praise! It was just such a warm feeling knowing you brightened up someone`s day! I came out in tears it made me feel so good!
Then we stopped at Mom`s favourite, the Fire Training Centre! We brought just two roses and the timbits, sure enough, just two female firefighters! It worked out perfectly! I had also written in a cute card, `Thank you for unselfishly putting yourselves above others!``
Then we headed to the Springbank Park! Surely because it was such a nice day, there would be people jogging and biking! We handed out bottled water as people raced by! That part was challenging when they were whizzing by on a bike!
Next stop was the Boys`and Girls`Club where we dropped off the giant bucket of Double Bubble bubble gum! I actually had to fill out a form to donate it! However, they sent me a really nice card in the mail!
By this time, it was getting to the dinner hour so we headed home! I think if I`m a little bit more prepared this year, I could do a ton more!
It really was one of the most wonderfully uplifting days I`ve ever had!
That`s why I will do it again this year, and encourage as many of you to do it too!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Celebrating out with the old and in with the new!
It’s been a helluva year. Glad to see it go. It’s been filled with heartache and despair but also laughter and healing… talking and drinking… speculation and disappointment.
But it’s done now! Finally… on to something new!
I sit and debate how to celebrate the ushering out of one of the worst years I have lived through and the dawn of a year I know will be so fruitful!
I have had some fantastic offers to attend house parties, I have considered going to my favourite watering hole to celebrate with friends, and I still fall back on sitting at home and killing a few bottles of bubbly, knowing my dog won’t be crossing her legs come 2 or 3am… and I’ll still be able to put one foot in front of the other and go for an easy run Jan.1…
It doesn’t take away from the fact that I want to makeout with someone. Yep, makeout. Like high school. I don’t need to have the rest, just the kissing and groping over the clothes. I’m a minimalist.
I don’t want to have to get all dressed up, pretend I’m “game” and makeout with a stranger out of desperation. I’m not desperate. I can pick up. I just don’t want to take them home.
I want to talk. And laugh.
After we makeout of course or AS we makeout!
And I love sex. Absolutely cannot live without it. It’s not the be all and end all… but it IS important J … to me.
There are very few people that I feel I can truly talk to. I have so many wonderful friends and I listen intently and with earnest about their lives, loves and tribulations and am truly intrigued.
But now it’s my time! Time for me to shine, time for me to get what I deserve in every way! I have nothing to prove. Time to throw off the shackles and conquer anything and anyone my heart desires! Life is far too short! I can hear the clock ticking on the back of my neck.
I hear fate whispering in my ear. “Hold nothing back! Drive! Push on! Live!”
Regardless of how I usher in 2011, it will be magical, for me.. and countless others!!!
"Lig dom agus ligfidh mé duit!"
Roughly translated (Gaelic)
"Let me be and I'll let you be".
But it’s done now! Finally… on to something new!
I sit and debate how to celebrate the ushering out of one of the worst years I have lived through and the dawn of a year I know will be so fruitful!
I have had some fantastic offers to attend house parties, I have considered going to my favourite watering hole to celebrate with friends, and I still fall back on sitting at home and killing a few bottles of bubbly, knowing my dog won’t be crossing her legs come 2 or 3am… and I’ll still be able to put one foot in front of the other and go for an easy run Jan.1…
It doesn’t take away from the fact that I want to makeout with someone. Yep, makeout. Like high school. I don’t need to have the rest, just the kissing and groping over the clothes. I’m a minimalist.
I don’t want to have to get all dressed up, pretend I’m “game” and makeout with a stranger out of desperation. I’m not desperate. I can pick up. I just don’t want to take them home.
I want to talk. And laugh.
After we makeout of course or AS we makeout!
And I love sex. Absolutely cannot live without it. It’s not the be all and end all… but it IS important J … to me.
There are very few people that I feel I can truly talk to. I have so many wonderful friends and I listen intently and with earnest about their lives, loves and tribulations and am truly intrigued.
But now it’s my time! Time for me to shine, time for me to get what I deserve in every way! I have nothing to prove. Time to throw off the shackles and conquer anything and anyone my heart desires! Life is far too short! I can hear the clock ticking on the back of my neck.
I hear fate whispering in my ear. “Hold nothing back! Drive! Push on! Live!”
Regardless of how I usher in 2011, it will be magical, for me.. and countless others!!!
"Lig dom agus ligfidh mé duit!"
Roughly translated (Gaelic)
"Let me be and I'll let you be".
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
December Update - New Blog!
Thanks to some of you inquiring about what's been going on with me! I have been writing a new blog... you can find it here:
Shauna's new blog
There have been some great opportunities for me work-wise and I will elaborate in the New Year!
I have been taking French as a second language and tonight is my big presentation! We could choose any topic to talk about so I chose to talk about what I have learned in the past year or so! I translated it from English to French so here is the English version:
You’re Never Too Old to Learn and Change
In the past year, I have a new outlook! I didn’t always think this way but I am happy I do now!
Growing up in a Catholic home in a small town in Ontario, I thought that I should go to school, meet a man, get married and have kids. Some of that happened, not in that order, but most of it didn’t.
I thought I had failed.
I was the class clown. I thought making people laugh was the best way to make friends. But when my friends ran into difficulties later in their lives, real problems, jokes were not always the answer.
So I learned.
When I let someone choose me instead of choosing them, I really learned! The hard way!
When I chose someone that I could boss around and it didn’t work out, that was one of the hardest things to admit but I learned even more!
When I became 30, then 40 and it became clear that maybe I would never have children, I learned that that would be okay. I got a dog.
I learned that just because people have a thought about what a happy life should be, that it doesn’t mean your life can’t be happy, even if it’s different.
I have learned that I cannot judge anyone! I want to hear other people’s situations whatever they are. Everyone is the way they are for a reason.
I have learned that my job isn’t who I am. I can do my job in the best way I know how and sometimes that job just isn’t for me. And it takes being away from it to see it.
I have learned that it’s okay to shower an animal with affection. But it’s okay to shower people with affection too, without expecting anything in return.
I have learned that it’s okay to go camping with no one but your dog.
I have learned that I like certain things that are bad for me like wine and cheese! But I have also learned that life can be cut short in a moment so I want to live each day like it’s my last! And if today is my last day, I want everyone to know how much I love them.
I have learned that worrying about my weight or anything really, takes time away from living my life. And I already know that life is way too short! When I look at pictures of myself 10 years from now, I will say how great I looked. So why not think it now!
I have learned that some people are only with you for a short time and so you need to appreciate the time you have with them.
I was scared of a lot of things. I learned that you CAN get over some fears and to be a little afraid to do something can make it worth doing!
As an adult, getting up in front of a class and talking has been a big fear. Today, even just a little bit, I am facing that fear with all of you.
There are many things I have learned and one of them is a little bit of French!
So you ARE never too old to learn and change!
Shauna's new blog
There have been some great opportunities for me work-wise and I will elaborate in the New Year!
I have been taking French as a second language and tonight is my big presentation! We could choose any topic to talk about so I chose to talk about what I have learned in the past year or so! I translated it from English to French so here is the English version:
You’re Never Too Old to Learn and Change
In the past year, I have a new outlook! I didn’t always think this way but I am happy I do now!
Growing up in a Catholic home in a small town in Ontario, I thought that I should go to school, meet a man, get married and have kids. Some of that happened, not in that order, but most of it didn’t.
I thought I had failed.
I was the class clown. I thought making people laugh was the best way to make friends. But when my friends ran into difficulties later in their lives, real problems, jokes were not always the answer.
So I learned.
When I let someone choose me instead of choosing them, I really learned! The hard way!
When I chose someone that I could boss around and it didn’t work out, that was one of the hardest things to admit but I learned even more!
When I became 30, then 40 and it became clear that maybe I would never have children, I learned that that would be okay. I got a dog.
I learned that just because people have a thought about what a happy life should be, that it doesn’t mean your life can’t be happy, even if it’s different.
I have learned that I cannot judge anyone! I want to hear other people’s situations whatever they are. Everyone is the way they are for a reason.
I have learned that my job isn’t who I am. I can do my job in the best way I know how and sometimes that job just isn’t for me. And it takes being away from it to see it.
I have learned that it’s okay to shower an animal with affection. But it’s okay to shower people with affection too, without expecting anything in return.
I have learned that it’s okay to go camping with no one but your dog.
I have learned that I like certain things that are bad for me like wine and cheese! But I have also learned that life can be cut short in a moment so I want to live each day like it’s my last! And if today is my last day, I want everyone to know how much I love them.
I have learned that worrying about my weight or anything really, takes time away from living my life. And I already know that life is way too short! When I look at pictures of myself 10 years from now, I will say how great I looked. So why not think it now!
I have learned that some people are only with you for a short time and so you need to appreciate the time you have with them.
I was scared of a lot of things. I learned that you CAN get over some fears and to be a little afraid to do something can make it worth doing!
As an adult, getting up in front of a class and talking has been a big fear. Today, even just a little bit, I am facing that fear with all of you.
There are many things I have learned and one of them is a little bit of French!
So you ARE never too old to learn and change!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Incredible!
So I have been hunting for a job and a few people, including my mom, directed me to the open casting call for segment hosts on the new Marilyn Denis Show!
A few years back I went to an open call in Toronto at the old City TV building for Much More Music VJs. Obviously I'm not doing that job and never did so you can imagine how it turned out! BUT, there were only about 50 or 60 people there and we got to wait inside, I waited for maybe an hour!
So when I was boarding the Via train in London to head back to TO for another shot at TV, I didn't think the fact that the train got in past the starting time of 10am since the auditions went until 5pm... It just so happened that I saw a woman I used to work with at a radio station in London, in the train station, and she was going to the audition too! We travelled together and it turned out to be quite the day!
So we got to Union Station and figuring the audition process wouldn't last all day, or at least not until the departure time of the return train of 7pm, I went to the tourist booth and asked for directions to some of the museums! Might as well take in some culture right? I had also texted a few friends in Toronto to see if they wanted to get together!
We walked up University and west on Queen to the old building that now houses CTV programs that were once owned by CHUM. To my complete astonishment, the lineup for hopefuls was outside the building, ALL THE WAY AROUND IT!!! When we got our application forms to fill out, my number was 471!!!!
We figured it couldn't possibly take THAT long, surely they were prepared for such an event! We got in line at about 10:45am, and finally got in front of a camera crew at about 5pm!
When we first got in line, another woman got there at around the same time. We all started to fill out the forms and I noticed that her name was Shauna too, spelled the same way! That's pretty rare for my name in my experience, and we mused at the odds of us showing up for the auditions at exactly the same time! CRAZY!
Also, about 30 min into our wait, I realized I had left my cell phone on the train!!! There were several areas of "expertise" you could pitch a segment on. Of course my pitch was going to be on technology, and I didn't even have my cell phone!!! That, I said, will be my first segment, how to get your phone back! Via Rail was fantastic in tracking me down and getting it back to me by the way! Fantastic customer service!!!
We had the absolute best time though! Chatting in line, encouraging one another, talking about our lives! And hey, we even saw Craig from The Bachelorette, having a coffee with a City News reporter! I kept trying to get a closeup of him but hilariously a car or person would step in front of the lens at the most inopportune moments!
What a great experience! I have never in my life waited 6 hours in line for ANYTHING! Not even concert tickets in the 80s!!!
They told us it may be a month before we find out how we did! The memories of just having the courage to try and the great experience I had will last forever though!
Good thoughts!
A few years back I went to an open call in Toronto at the old City TV building for Much More Music VJs. Obviously I'm not doing that job and never did so you can imagine how it turned out! BUT, there were only about 50 or 60 people there and we got to wait inside, I waited for maybe an hour!
So when I was boarding the Via train in London to head back to TO for another shot at TV, I didn't think the fact that the train got in past the starting time of 10am since the auditions went until 5pm... It just so happened that I saw a woman I used to work with at a radio station in London, in the train station, and she was going to the audition too! We travelled together and it turned out to be quite the day!
So we got to Union Station and figuring the audition process wouldn't last all day, or at least not until the departure time of the return train of 7pm, I went to the tourist booth and asked for directions to some of the museums! Might as well take in some culture right? I had also texted a few friends in Toronto to see if they wanted to get together!
We walked up University and west on Queen to the old building that now houses CTV programs that were once owned by CHUM. To my complete astonishment, the lineup for hopefuls was outside the building, ALL THE WAY AROUND IT!!! When we got our application forms to fill out, my number was 471!!!!
We figured it couldn't possibly take THAT long, surely they were prepared for such an event! We got in line at about 10:45am, and finally got in front of a camera crew at about 5pm!
When we first got in line, another woman got there at around the same time. We all started to fill out the forms and I noticed that her name was Shauna too, spelled the same way! That's pretty rare for my name in my experience, and we mused at the odds of us showing up for the auditions at exactly the same time! CRAZY!
Also, about 30 min into our wait, I realized I had left my cell phone on the train!!! There were several areas of "expertise" you could pitch a segment on. Of course my pitch was going to be on technology, and I didn't even have my cell phone!!! That, I said, will be my first segment, how to get your phone back! Via Rail was fantastic in tracking me down and getting it back to me by the way! Fantastic customer service!!!
We had the absolute best time though! Chatting in line, encouraging one another, talking about our lives! And hey, we even saw Craig from The Bachelorette, having a coffee with a City News reporter! I kept trying to get a closeup of him but hilariously a car or person would step in front of the lens at the most inopportune moments!
What a great experience! I have never in my life waited 6 hours in line for ANYTHING! Not even concert tickets in the 80s!!!
They told us it may be a month before we find out how we did! The memories of just having the courage to try and the great experience I had will last forever though!
Good thoughts!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Deserving
How many of us have lost weight, felt really great about it, but never got down to the "goal weight" or the desired "look" we craved? Yep, me too. Why is that? You lose and then you reward yourself right? Because that's part of the cycle and the addiction. Crucify yourself, then you get the reward of eating like a normal person again and getting back ON the couch.
I recently read the book Women Food and God. For some reason, after reading it, I thought, "I'm not going to worry about my weight," because the worry is what is "weighing me down" literally. Or so I convinced myself. Another part of the book is to eat until you are FULL, eat only when you are hungry, and enjoy your food in full view, at a table like a normal civilized person. I just picked up the "eat what you want" part. And while I did feel a great deal freer not worrying about what I put in my mouth, I wasn't looking at the deeper reasons why I overeat in the first place.
Watching The Biggest Loser is inspiring to anyone who has had a weight struggle. In years gone by, I have gotten myself in phenomenal shape on sheer determination and grit alone. No help, no trainer, just mental toughness. Then something overthrows it. I finally figured out what it was after watching this week's episode and actally after watching an Oprah Show about 30-year-old virgins and why they were "hiding themselves" from love.
On a very deep level, I have not felt worthy of wonderful, breathtakingly beautiful, genuine love. I just did not think someone wonderful AND attractive could be attracted to me. And to INSURE that never happened, AND to have a fall back excuse, I kept myself just a little overweight, no matter how much I was able to lose, just a few pounds shy of feeling really fantastic about my body and my appearance. I kept that layer as a barrier between myself and letting someone in - alot came pretty far in - but none right to the skin.
I have been working on believing I deserve to follow my dreams. My dream job, dream travel, even down to material things I'd like to own. But why do I always seem to shirk the real work of relationships?
I cannot turn back the hands of time. I don't want to live in the past. I want to move forward with my life in the most positive way, in every aspect.
I DESERVE everything I can dream up and desire. The job, the man, the home, the life. I deserve to be heard and I deserve to be blissfully happy and fulfilled!
It's been a long time coming to this point!
I recently read the book Women Food and God. For some reason, after reading it, I thought, "I'm not going to worry about my weight," because the worry is what is "weighing me down" literally. Or so I convinced myself. Another part of the book is to eat until you are FULL, eat only when you are hungry, and enjoy your food in full view, at a table like a normal civilized person. I just picked up the "eat what you want" part. And while I did feel a great deal freer not worrying about what I put in my mouth, I wasn't looking at the deeper reasons why I overeat in the first place.
Watching The Biggest Loser is inspiring to anyone who has had a weight struggle. In years gone by, I have gotten myself in phenomenal shape on sheer determination and grit alone. No help, no trainer, just mental toughness. Then something overthrows it. I finally figured out what it was after watching this week's episode and actally after watching an Oprah Show about 30-year-old virgins and why they were "hiding themselves" from love.
On a very deep level, I have not felt worthy of wonderful, breathtakingly beautiful, genuine love. I just did not think someone wonderful AND attractive could be attracted to me. And to INSURE that never happened, AND to have a fall back excuse, I kept myself just a little overweight, no matter how much I was able to lose, just a few pounds shy of feeling really fantastic about my body and my appearance. I kept that layer as a barrier between myself and letting someone in - alot came pretty far in - but none right to the skin.
I have been working on believing I deserve to follow my dreams. My dream job, dream travel, even down to material things I'd like to own. But why do I always seem to shirk the real work of relationships?
I cannot turn back the hands of time. I don't want to live in the past. I want to move forward with my life in the most positive way, in every aspect.
I DESERVE everything I can dream up and desire. The job, the man, the home, the life. I deserve to be heard and I deserve to be blissfully happy and fulfilled!
It's been a long time coming to this point!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Dating
I have been so caught up in getting my career up and running and chasing after my work dreams that I haven't put much thought into my romantic life!
Until this week.
I'm ready to start "dating". I've never been good at it, I like spending time with a full range of people, but am really baffled most of the time when it come to singledom and the dating world. I always have been.
Between marriages, there was a span of 13 years where I dated, hung out, and entertained the thought of getting serious with a few fantastic guys, but always stopped short. When I met the last one, I thought I would no longer be forced to "mix and mingle" with the "singles". But alas, life has a way of putting the stuff you have to deal with right in your path so you can't ignore it any longer.
I chose someone who had never been able to commit. I kept asking him about his previous long-term relationships but he would always say that it was in the past. I chose someone that felt it necessary to keep close all of his female "friends with benefits", even when we had become serious, just in case. Of course I sensed they were a bit jealous so asked if he had ever been intimate with these "friends" and he flatly denied it. Sadly, it all came out that there were very few female friends he had that he hadn't slept with.
I am who I am. I just do not feel the need to keep men hanging around that I have been intimate with but do not have any deep feelings for, at least not once I date someone "special". This should have been a deal breaker, but wasn't.
I asked him many times, was he sure he wanted to commit, because I did not NEED him, I CHOSE to be with him. If he wanted to carry on with a few women at a time, carry on, but it would be without me. He insisted he was ready.
He had issues with intimacy and sex. Apparently he could not carry on an intimate relationship WITH a healthy sex life. He was afraid. I felt humiliated. I had to beg and it wasn't pleasant. Near the end I was so frustrated, he had gone for help and still never wanted to touch me. I tried to be understanding, but the truth is, I should have sensed the lack of closeness. It was my fault too. I got angry that he couldn't explain to me why he didn't "want" me anymore. I would yell, cry, I was SO hurt. I had put aside my own needs for so long that when he came home from the therapist's and told me we had to split, I was dumbfounded. Absolutely blindsided. Sure, we had had our challenges but we had never gone to see someone together to try and work it out. He said it wouldn't do any good, his mind was made up. It was done.
I have been afraid to date because of the anger I felt. I didn't want to put that onto anyone nor did I want to "rebound" into something that wasn't healthy for me. I needed time to sort it out, sort myself out, feel good about myself again.
I want to set him free and in doing so, set myself free. I no longer want him to "pay" for the pain he caused me, my friends and my family. It's done. Over. A page in the history books. I release him to live his life and for me to live mine.
I don't think I'm ready to be friends with him, likely never will be. It's hard for me to understand how someone could do what he did with no real explanation.
He said he loved me. I think he did in the best way he knew how. But it wasn't REAL love. The kind that grows stronger with every tough obstacle, every family celebration... and tragedy, and every year of good times and bad.
It's still out there. My job is to believe it is possible. To believe someone that can love in that way can love ME, and that I DESERVE that love and everything that comes with it. That I am open to that kind of man, in every way and not afraid.
I am ready.
Until this week.
I'm ready to start "dating". I've never been good at it, I like spending time with a full range of people, but am really baffled most of the time when it come to singledom and the dating world. I always have been.
Between marriages, there was a span of 13 years where I dated, hung out, and entertained the thought of getting serious with a few fantastic guys, but always stopped short. When I met the last one, I thought I would no longer be forced to "mix and mingle" with the "singles". But alas, life has a way of putting the stuff you have to deal with right in your path so you can't ignore it any longer.
I chose someone who had never been able to commit. I kept asking him about his previous long-term relationships but he would always say that it was in the past. I chose someone that felt it necessary to keep close all of his female "friends with benefits", even when we had become serious, just in case. Of course I sensed they were a bit jealous so asked if he had ever been intimate with these "friends" and he flatly denied it. Sadly, it all came out that there were very few female friends he had that he hadn't slept with.
I am who I am. I just do not feel the need to keep men hanging around that I have been intimate with but do not have any deep feelings for, at least not once I date someone "special". This should have been a deal breaker, but wasn't.
I asked him many times, was he sure he wanted to commit, because I did not NEED him, I CHOSE to be with him. If he wanted to carry on with a few women at a time, carry on, but it would be without me. He insisted he was ready.
He had issues with intimacy and sex. Apparently he could not carry on an intimate relationship WITH a healthy sex life. He was afraid. I felt humiliated. I had to beg and it wasn't pleasant. Near the end I was so frustrated, he had gone for help and still never wanted to touch me. I tried to be understanding, but the truth is, I should have sensed the lack of closeness. It was my fault too. I got angry that he couldn't explain to me why he didn't "want" me anymore. I would yell, cry, I was SO hurt. I had put aside my own needs for so long that when he came home from the therapist's and told me we had to split, I was dumbfounded. Absolutely blindsided. Sure, we had had our challenges but we had never gone to see someone together to try and work it out. He said it wouldn't do any good, his mind was made up. It was done.
I have been afraid to date because of the anger I felt. I didn't want to put that onto anyone nor did I want to "rebound" into something that wasn't healthy for me. I needed time to sort it out, sort myself out, feel good about myself again.
I want to set him free and in doing so, set myself free. I no longer want him to "pay" for the pain he caused me, my friends and my family. It's done. Over. A page in the history books. I release him to live his life and for me to live mine.
I don't think I'm ready to be friends with him, likely never will be. It's hard for me to understand how someone could do what he did with no real explanation.
He said he loved me. I think he did in the best way he knew how. But it wasn't REAL love. The kind that grows stronger with every tough obstacle, every family celebration... and tragedy, and every year of good times and bad.
It's still out there. My job is to believe it is possible. To believe someone that can love in that way can love ME, and that I DESERVE that love and everything that comes with it. That I am open to that kind of man, in every way and not afraid.
I am ready.
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